[ He considers this first comment then nods after watching K's posture visibly relax. Tech Boy is sarcastic more often than he's sincere, so it's an honest mistake to make, and he wants to emphasize this to K. Warm, purring emotion as K presses against his neck. ]
It's hard to ask for help. Hard to be vulnerable. Physically. Mentally. [ It bears repeating. ] But I trust you. Only you. I put myself in your care, and I'll always come back for you.
[ Neither of us is losing the other. Not if I have any say in the matter.
K really is special because he's the only one who can tease the god in this way and get away with it. Who can call him out on his hypocrisy and still be in his divinely good graces. Tech Boy opens his mouth to respond to the jazz question... then glances into the middle distance over K's shoulder to think about a response. ]
You didn't imagine it, but uh... [ He touches the tip of his nose to K's to make some close eye contact. His tone is teasing in response. ] I can be a brat. [ A smirk. ] I'm sure you haven't noticed with all those detective skills of yours.
[ The little nose bump gets another smile. Yes, he may have noticed Tech Boy's tendency to be contrary and short-tempered and sometimes indelicate with things that can easily wound his android partner. It hasn't always been easy to navigate, with K's own tendency to want to keep those wounds to himself and feeling like a burden when he doesn't (though he's getting better about that, as demonstrated by this very conversation). But: ]
That's who you are. You don't have to change yourself for me, or force yourself to like something that you really don't.
[ Jazz music isn't the only thing on his mind, his smile fading by degrees as he continues dwelling on Tech Boy's earlier confession. But probably not. Tech was the hook. Something about it still bothers him, in a way he just doesn't know how to put into words, but he does take comfort in knowing he's loved for who he is. The same sentiment that he's trying to express to Tech Boy. ]
[ He's glad he can bring a smile to K's face with his nose touching and ridiculousness, but there's clearly something still muddling around in K's mind. Despite their confessions to each other, the tension between them lingers. Tech Boy has suspicions about what that might be, but he's not really all that skilled at navigating another person's emotions, and he doesn't want to assume and fuck things up again. It's much easier to be an asshole and dismissive (his usual approach to everyone he encounters) than to be attentive and caring towards someone. But he's learning. K makes him want to care. A New God learning even newer tricks. Learning to look outside of his own self and be gentle to someone. And allow himself to receive the same gentleness.
And yet, he had messed up somewhere. He hates seeing that faded expression on K's face. ]
I'm not pretending. I won't. I don't have the patience for that. I'm terrible undercover. [ but not under covers ] What you see is what you get. I'm nuanced, but I'm not going to be anything I'm not around you. Open and honest. Promise.
[ Tech Boy inhales slowly, thinking. ]
And I like what I like. No one's ever going to force me to do otherwise. Not even myself. I'll cringe, and I'll bitch. That's who I am. But I won't stick around if I don't really want to be someplace. I won't listen to music that I truly hate. I won't play games I don't enjoy or show vulnerability to someone I don't hold in the highest esteem.
[ Better? Worse? Who knows. But it's the truth. ]
And I'm not going anywhere. You're stuck with me now. You get the whole divine package.
[ K is quiet as he listens, considering what Tech Boy tells him. It helps to clarify his own thoughts and his expression clears a little as he finds the words, though he doesn't look up while he absently pulls at the hem of Tech Boy's outer shirt. ]
It didn't sound like there had to be a hook before you got involved with other people.
[ Regardless of how brief that "involvement" may have been. Tech Boy had made it clear this is his first relationship. Knowledge that K can also take comfort in when insecurities and uncertainties borne of his lived experience plague his thoughts — of not being good enough, of not being able to compare to real people, be they human or god or anyone else with actual autonomy, unlike him. His inexperience, his inadequacies... There's so much. He's especially and uncomfortably aware of the fact he isn't like a human or Tech Boy himself when it comes to some sexual functions; these aren't baseless worries, to him. ]
But you needed one with me.
[ To even want to talk to him. And that's why the admission had hurt, he realises. It confirmed his fears of being inferior to a real person. But that's also at odds with other things Tech Boy has told him... it's all confusing. ]
Tech Boy grows still. So that's what is on K's mind. That's not good. That's not right. No, that's very much the opposite of his intention, but it is a clear explanation for some of the conflict he'd seen on K's face tonight. It's wrong, and it sends a small burst of panic through his mind that he holds so very close to himself. His physical form is completely still as his mind races, trying to find the right way to explain himself. A machine working through a complex, unfamiliar algorithm to its conclusion.
He blinks. He hasn't actually said anything aloud yet to try to comfort K. He sputters a little to get it out as soon as he realizes this new mistake. ]
No.
[ It's all he can think to say at first. Not enough, he knows, so he hastens to not let the pause between words linger. He's practically tripping over his words, speaking quickly. ]
No, that's the opposite. You misunderstand. I don't-- [ He starts. Fails. ] I've never-- [ Again. He takes a deep breath. ]
I didn't "need" one with you. I was blessed with one from you. [ He's frowning now. ] If I'd just wanted to fuck you because you're a pretty face, I would have tried when we were still on that stupid boat. [ Crude, but true. Another deep breath. ] Before I met you, I was alone in a crowded room. Nothing and no one ever tried to connect with me. I didn't want them to. Just some fun and done. They serve a purpose, but they're boring. And slow.
But that night in the sick bay... I'd never met anyone who felt so close to my own essence. I thought you might be another godling at first. Nothing that I hadn't made myself felt like you felt then. Like you still feel now.
[ One of Tech Boy's hands moves to rest gently on the one K is using to play with his hem. ] Like maybe I didn't have to be alone. Get it?
[ At no point during the uncomfortable stretch of silence, false starts, or eventual explanation does K interrupt. It is crude, the blunt way Tech Boy talks about fucking him, but the suggestion has a look of shy amusement flickering across his face — and though he may have declined Tech (Telephone) Boy at the time if such an attempt had been made, the thought of undressing him from that old fashioned suit is doing... things... to K now. Things that can be addressed later. It's been a significant day for quite a few reasons for the both of them, and what better way to commemorate the occasion than by enjoying each other. Giving Tech Boy worship in another way.
There's a slower unraveling of the tension in his posture this time, and as it leaves him he leans into Tech Boy, letting relief and happiness dissolve the rest of his uncertainties. ]
I understand now. [ And he falls quiet again as he takes Tech Boy's hand, not for the first time admiring how finely-boned the god is. A pianist's hands. Hands made for creating. Unlike his own, but that doesn't mean he can't strive to be more than what he was made to be. He knows that now.
More human than human had once been a slogan for earlier Nexus models, the motto of the now defunct Tyrell Corporation. It's always left a bad taste in his mouth and Tech Boy's words have crystalised why. He may be programmed, conditioned, and socialised to see humans as fundamentally superior to himself and his kind, but he doesn't want to be human himself. He doesn't want to be viewed as one or have them used as the metric by which to measure and highlight his every perceived deficiency.
And Tech Boy hasn't ever done that.
The god sees him as someone like himself. Perhaps something of himself. And isn't K possibly even exactly that — his creation, even if indirectly? Living technology and the god of technology certainly share more commonalities with each other than either do with humanity, he thinks, regardless of their origins. And with Tech Boy being what he is, it isn't hard to imagine he finds himself alone even amongst other gods who can't understand how he thinks, how he works. Who probably don't care to understand. But K does.
While all of these thoughts are running through his mind, he intentionally projects them in such a way that Tech Boy will know he's being invited to "listen in" on them, that they're intended to be shared. It's more efficient than trying to find the words to speak them aloud. But— ]
I am yours. Part of you. Aren't I? [ In more than just the sentimental sense; he's also referring to Tech Boy's purview. ] Humanity expects my kind to revere them as gods... [ He finally raises his eyes from Tech Boy's hand to his face, regarding him with a solemn, searching look. It softens as he smiles. ] You're my god.
[ And so much more than that, but he trusts Tech Boy already has a good idea of the depth of his feelings now. ]
[ K's projection of his thoughts while he's still looking at Tech Boy's hand brings a sort of sad smile to the god's face. It will be gone by the time K looks up, but the extent to which the two of them understand each other this matter breaks Tech Boy's heart. They aren't human. Never would be. Never meant to be. Never wanted to be. But when there isn't anyone else around who knows what that's like, well, one just had to get along by oneself. The Technical Boy often found himself too humanlike to fit in properly with the gods, too much a god to have any real need for human companionship, and too much a computer to really be anything but himself. It sucked, and the longer it went on, the more he'd become convinced that it's just the way things were. Held up to the measure of others, Tech Boy would never be good enough. That's why he fought so very hard to stay relevant, to keep advancing himself. That's why he'd never been afraid to leave anyone in his dust.
He hears K, and he listens intently, answering the projection with one of his own. The god had been so lonely before meeting K, before meeting someone so special--and in a way that felt familiar. Like himself and of himself. Just like K said.
The technology god has never been good with his words, not careful or clear, a result of never being socialized properly aside from what they'd needed from him for work. Tech Boy can schmooze with the best of them, can sell a brand, and can convert stubborn Old minds to change. But the rest? It's hard. He's still learning. Talking like this, this silent but open connection with K to whom he has confessed his love... maybe one day he'll learn. Or at least learn to communicate properly with the only damn person he cares enough about to try understanding.
One thing is clear, and has been clear to the god since their first meeting. Humanity doesn't deserve K's reverence. He's better than them, and Tech Boy makes sure K knows his verdict on this matter, wordlessly but in no uncertain terms.
His voice in response is quiet but carries an edge of determination. ] You are mine. [ Definitively, purview or no. ] I am your god.
Except in the ways that matter most, K can't help but think, even now. The affirmation is going to take a while for him to really process and let sink into his consciousness, when his human-made programming prevents him from believing it about himself. But he can at least believe that Tech Boy believes it.
That the god holds him in such high esteem — and even more incredibly, loves him — means absolutely everything to him, and between their silent exchanges and the words that were spoken aloud, K's expression is becoming dangerously watery from how overwhelmed he feels. It's the look of someone who doesn't quite know how to cry, and doesn't fully understand the intensity of his own emotional response. Soon he's ducking his head to hide his face against Tech Boy's neck again, this time smiling, and winds both arms around him to hold him tighter. It will be a few more moments before K finds his voice. ]
That's all I want. To be yours, and you to be mine.
[ And for neither of them to be bound to humanity or reliant on them for survival, though he knows that isn't as easily accomplished. But they have each other. They can continue figuring it out together. Of more immediate relevance is making sure they're still on the same page about the trajectory of their relationship; this conversation has him thinking about one of the finer details in particular. It has hardly sounded like Tech Boy misses how his life used to be, but K would rather know for certain what his feelings are than assume. ]
Is this still what you want? With me. [ A moment of thought before he clarifies, ] With just me, I mean. [ He begins lightly stroking Tech Boy's lower back with a hand, and there's a warm sensation of amusement curling through their connection as he's remembering their first conversation about monogamy. ] If you haven't grown tired of my naked jazz repertoire yet... [ Then he sobers. ] Or do you need more than what I can give you?
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brandnewtech) wrote2019-09-29 05:00 am
no subject
It's hard to ask for help. Hard to be vulnerable. Physically. Mentally. [ It bears repeating. ] But I trust you. Only you. I put myself in your care, and I'll always come back for you.
[ Neither of us is losing the other. Not if I have any say in the matter.
K really is special because he's the only one who can tease the god in this way and get away with it. Who can call him out on his hypocrisy and still be in his divinely good graces. Tech Boy opens his mouth to respond to the jazz question... then glances into the middle distance over K's shoulder to think about a response. ]
You didn't imagine it, but uh... [ He touches the tip of his nose to K's to make some close eye contact. His tone is teasing in response. ] I can be a brat. [ A smirk. ] I'm sure you haven't noticed with all those detective skills of yours.
no subject
That's who you are. You don't have to change yourself for me, or force yourself to like something that you really don't.
[ Jazz music isn't the only thing on his mind, his smile fading by degrees as he continues dwelling on Tech Boy's earlier confession. But probably not. Tech was the hook. Something about it still bothers him, in a way he just doesn't know how to put into words, but he does take comfort in knowing he's loved for who he is. The same sentiment that he's trying to express to Tech Boy. ]
You don't have to pretend with me. Or— for me.
no subject
And yet, he had messed up somewhere. He hates seeing that faded expression on K's face. ]
I'm not pretending. I won't. I don't have the patience for that. I'm terrible undercover. [ but not under covers ] What you see is what you get. I'm nuanced, but I'm not going to be anything I'm not around you. Open and honest. Promise.
[ Tech Boy inhales slowly, thinking. ]
And I like what I like. No one's ever going to force me to do otherwise. Not even myself. I'll cringe, and I'll bitch. That's who I am. But I won't stick around if I don't really want to be someplace. I won't listen to music that I truly hate. I won't play games I don't enjoy or show vulnerability to someone I don't hold in the highest esteem.
[ Better? Worse? Who knows. But it's the truth. ]
And I'm not going anywhere. You're stuck with me now. You get the whole divine package.
no subject
It didn't sound like there had to be a hook before you got involved with other people.
[ Regardless of how brief that "involvement" may have been. Tech Boy had made it clear this is his first relationship. Knowledge that K can also take comfort in when insecurities and uncertainties borne of his lived experience plague his thoughts — of not being good enough, of not being able to compare to real people, be they human or god or anyone else with actual autonomy, unlike him. His inexperience, his inadequacies... There's so much. He's especially and uncomfortably aware of the fact he isn't like a human or Tech Boy himself when it comes to some sexual functions; these aren't baseless worries, to him. ]
But you needed one with me.
[ To even want to talk to him. And that's why the admission had hurt, he realises. It confirmed his fears of being inferior to a real person. But that's also at odds with other things Tech Boy has told him... it's all confusing. ]
no subject
Tech Boy grows still. So that's what is on K's mind. That's not good. That's not right. No, that's very much the opposite of his intention, but it is a clear explanation for some of the conflict he'd seen on K's face tonight. It's wrong, and it sends a small burst of panic through his mind that he holds so very close to himself. His physical form is completely still as his mind races, trying to find the right way to explain himself. A machine working through a complex, unfamiliar algorithm to its conclusion.
He blinks. He hasn't actually said anything aloud yet to try to comfort K. He sputters a little to get it out as soon as he realizes this new mistake. ]
No.
[ It's all he can think to say at first. Not enough, he knows, so he hastens to not let the pause between words linger. He's practically tripping over his words, speaking quickly. ]
No, that's the opposite. You misunderstand. I don't-- [ He starts. Fails. ] I've never-- [ Again. He takes a deep breath. ]
I didn't "need" one with you. I was blessed with one from you. [ He's frowning now. ] If I'd just wanted to fuck you because you're a pretty face, I would have tried when we were still on that stupid boat. [ Crude, but true. Another deep breath. ] Before I met you, I was alone in a crowded room. Nothing and no one ever tried to connect with me. I didn't want them to. Just some fun and done. They serve a purpose, but they're boring. And slow.
But that night in the sick bay... I'd never met anyone who felt so close to my own essence. I thought you might be another godling at first. Nothing that I hadn't made myself felt like you felt then. Like you still feel now.
[ One of Tech Boy's hands moves to rest gently on the one K is using to play with his hem. ] Like maybe I didn't have to be alone. Get it?
no subject
There's a slower unraveling of the tension in his posture this time, and as it leaves him he leans into Tech Boy, letting relief and happiness dissolve the rest of his uncertainties. ]
I understand now. [ And he falls quiet again as he takes Tech Boy's hand, not for the first time admiring how finely-boned the god is. A pianist's hands. Hands made for creating. Unlike his own, but that doesn't mean he can't strive to be more than what he was made to be. He knows that now.
More human than human had once been a slogan for earlier Nexus models, the motto of the now defunct Tyrell Corporation. It's always left a bad taste in his mouth and Tech Boy's words have crystalised why. He may be programmed, conditioned, and socialised to see humans as fundamentally superior to himself and his kind, but he doesn't want to be human himself. He doesn't want to be viewed as one or have them used as the metric by which to measure and highlight his every perceived deficiency.
And Tech Boy hasn't ever done that.
The god sees him as someone like himself. Perhaps something of himself. And isn't K possibly even exactly that — his creation, even if indirectly? Living technology and the god of technology certainly share more commonalities with each other than either do with humanity, he thinks, regardless of their origins. And with Tech Boy being what he is, it isn't hard to imagine he finds himself alone even amongst other gods who can't understand how he thinks, how he works. Who probably don't care to understand. But K does.
While all of these thoughts are running through his mind, he intentionally projects them in such a way that Tech Boy will know he's being invited to "listen in" on them, that they're intended to be shared. It's more efficient than trying to find the words to speak them aloud. But— ]
I am yours. Part of you. Aren't I? [ In more than just the sentimental sense; he's also referring to Tech Boy's purview. ] Humanity expects my kind to revere them as gods... [ He finally raises his eyes from Tech Boy's hand to his face, regarding him with a solemn, searching look. It softens as he smiles. ] You're my god.
[ And so much more than that, but he trusts Tech Boy already has a good idea of the depth of his feelings now. ]
no subject
He hears K, and he listens intently, answering the projection with one of his own. The god had been so lonely before meeting K, before meeting someone so special--and in a way that felt familiar. Like himself and of himself. Just like K said.
The technology god has never been good with his words, not careful or clear, a result of never being socialized properly aside from what they'd needed from him for work. Tech Boy can schmooze with the best of them, can sell a brand, and can convert stubborn Old minds to change. But the rest? It's hard. He's still learning. Talking like this, this silent but open connection with K to whom he has confessed his love... maybe one day he'll learn. Or at least learn to communicate properly with the only damn person he cares enough about to try understanding.
One thing is clear, and has been clear to the god since their first meeting. Humanity doesn't deserve K's reverence. He's better than them, and Tech Boy makes sure K knows his verdict on this matter, wordlessly but in no uncertain terms.
His voice in response is quiet but carries an edge of determination. ] You are mine. [ Definitively, purview or no. ] I am your god.
[ and so much more, he agrees. ]
no subject
Except in the ways that matter most, K can't help but think, even now. The affirmation is going to take a while for him to really process and let sink into his consciousness, when his human-made programming prevents him from believing it about himself. But he can at least believe that Tech Boy believes it.
That the god holds him in such high esteem — and even more incredibly, loves him — means absolutely everything to him, and between their silent exchanges and the words that were spoken aloud, K's expression is becoming dangerously watery from how overwhelmed he feels. It's the look of someone who doesn't quite know how to cry, and doesn't fully understand the intensity of his own emotional response. Soon he's ducking his head to hide his face against Tech Boy's neck again, this time smiling, and winds both arms around him to hold him tighter. It will be a few more moments before K finds his voice. ]
That's all I want. To be yours, and you to be mine.
[ And for neither of them to be bound to humanity or reliant on them for survival, though he knows that isn't as easily accomplished. But they have each other. They can continue figuring it out together. Of more immediate relevance is making sure they're still on the same page about the trajectory of their relationship; this conversation has him thinking about one of the finer details in particular. It has hardly sounded like Tech Boy misses how his life used to be, but K would rather know for certain what his feelings are than assume. ]
Is this still what you want? With me. [ A moment of thought before he clarifies, ] With just me, I mean. [ He begins lightly stroking Tech Boy's lower back with a hand, and there's a warm sensation of amusement curling through their connection as he's remembering their first conversation about monogamy. ] If you haven't grown tired of my naked jazz repertoire yet... [ Then he sobers. ] Or do you need more than what I can give you?