[ Tech Boy moves his hands to the back of K's neck, still clinging, partially out of emotion and partially so he doesn't lose his balance. The digital glow in his eyes is back as he meets K's eyes, expression serious. ]
If anyone calls you defective, I will fucking kill them. [ That may be true in K's homeworld, but the god's not going to let that bullshit fly anymore. No as long as he can help it. ] No one gets to take your life like that. To take you away from me.
[ The comments about the god's heavy burden go unremarked upon for the moment, overwritten by his anger at the humans who might retire K because he's slowly evolving beyond his original programming. A beautiful, complex man beyond what the Technical Boy could have hoped for in his own lifetime.
He kisses K again, fiercely protective and fired up with so many strong emotions of the last few minutes. ]
[ Always that lingering undercurrent of uncertainty about the future. Their future, the only one that really matters to K. As much as he tries to deny it to himself, he knows his developing emotions and his tenuous but growing sense of personhood can probably only lead to one outcome, as far as his baseline tests are concerned. And if he refuses to submit to them, that's as good as signing his death warrant.
Fear lends a desperate edge to their kiss, and that in itself is a revelation — he's never feared for his own life before. Dying either in the line of duty or by his handler's order was something he used to accept as an inevitability, as he was programmed to. But not now. And he's reminded of their tense conversation all those months ago, about the possibility of Tech Boy altering his programming for him... ]
I don't want to go back. Not alone. [ He murmurs as he leans their foreheads together, reaching up with one hand but hesitating. He's gotten used to being able to play with Tech Boy's hair in those instances where it's loose, but he's careful not to muss it otherwise. His hand comes to rest on Tech Boy's neck instead, mirroring his own gesture. ] I want to be wherever you are. And help you. However I can... to make that burden more bearable.
[ Hard to say whether his homeworld would necessarily be ideal for Tech Boy, either, but if they don't have a choice? K can accept anywhere, as long as they're still together. Tech Boy had once said his own world rejected him. And if that means what K assumes it does: ] To keep you alive, too.
[ Protection and desperation and love and fear and affection and every other strong emotion poured into the kiss leaves the Technical Boy a bit breathless when they separate so K can speak. Tech Boy can hear K's mind at work, but he doesn't read more into it than that for the moment. Although the particulars stay with K for now, his words reinforce the surface thoughts and the edge present in their kiss.
They're both in precarious positions in their respective homeworlds, but. But if they can find a way to stay together.... Would that be too much to ask from such a cruel dream world? To wake from a nightmare and find their physical selves still together? (More likely than you'd think!) ]
You make everything more bearable. This place [ indicating Deerington ] and this place. [ He draws one hand back for a moment to use a finger to tap himself on the forehead. ]
I got so used to being alone, but I never want to go back to that. [ He smiles softly. ] I know you'll protect me. And I'll do the same for you. You have a god's blessing.
[ Tech Boy threads his fingers behind K's neck again, leaning back a little to look at him, that same rare soft smile on his lips. Without forming the conscious word for it, "mine" is the impression. And "yours." ]
[ Maybe it will even be enough... Protecting each other, his efforts to make things more bearable for Tech Boy. Time would tell. He returns the smile, stroking his fingers against the back of Tech Boy's neck. ]
You won't have to be alone anymore. [ The words are murmured against his throat as K bows his head, and followed by light kisses trailed along his skin. ] A god's blessing. What does that mean?
[ And he's still curious about his prior question, but one thing at a time. ]
My blessing. [ Tech Boy's eyes go a little wide, glinting with a very dangerous sort of mischief. ] It means I'll fuck 'em up. Whoever they are. Whatever they've done. For you.
[ He shifts a little, still holding onto K protectively. For as soft as Tech Boy can be on occasion, his excitement is volatile. The urge to do something to remedy their current situations and that of their homeworlds is at the front of his mind. Not that there's shit he can do about any of it from the dream world of Deerington. ]
I don't have the juice here. Yet. I'll get it back somehow. But it's a promise you can count on.
[ Any actual acknowledgement of his limitations (rare, but for K's eyes only) always takes a bit of the fire out of him, and the god's temperament is visibly calming down. He unthreads his fingers to place one hand on K's chest. ]
[ The words kindle a familiar warmth in K's chest that he can now put a name to, and he ducks his head even further, an almost shy gesture, still smiling to himself. He'll never forget the way Tech Boy makes him feel in moments like this — protected and cared for, and as though his life has meaning. Loved, more than anything. ]
Not that I don't appreciate it... [ He reaches down and covers the hand laid against his chest. ] But I need you to be safe. No taking foolish risks on my behalf. [ A pointed pause. ] No taking foolish risks. [ Full-stop. Even though he knows it's inevitable, in this place; he still wants Tech Boy to at least try and be careful. ] I don't want a repeat of Rapture, we can figure things out together now. Can't we?
[ And he does miss Sweeney's friendship, but can't help thinking it's better for Tech Boy, not having someone always goading him toward destructive behaviour like that. (Though a part of K had always held out hope the two might learn to work together.) ]
I don't take foolish risks. [ Which is a lie. Tech Boy knows it. K knows it. Poor blind, dead Argus knows it. World knows it. Hell, Sodder probably knows it, too. The expression on his face clearly betrays this universal knowledge, and instead he shakes his head to negate his own statement. ]
Okay, fine, I won't anymore. Since you asked. No repeats of Rapture. Promise. We'll do this together and watch each other's backs. Keeping us both safe. To spend our inhumanly long lives together no matter what comes our way.
But. [ He taps his index finger. Not trying to free his hand, just making a point. ] If something does happen--quite by accident and not because I did something stupid--you can play for me and nurse me back to health. I leave myself to your tender mercies, like I do for no one else.
Will you? [ He leans in for another kiss, softly this time. ] Play for me?
[ K's expression falls at Tech Boy already trying to get out of ever upholding the promise (though the honesty is preferable to being lied to), and he quietly points out: ] I was being serious. But I will take care of you, no matter what happens.
[ And needless to say, he'll do so to the best of his abilities regardless of the circumstances. He just wishes the promise could have been real. The kiss is nice, though, and he returns it in lieu of saying anything more for a few moments.
And that request brings them back around to the prior topic that was put on hold. He lightly runs his thumb along Tech Boy's knuckles. ]
You never did answer my other question. About my playing... and how you can't stand most of the music that I like. [ He offers a slight smile. ] I don't intend to torment you. I'll play for you, but only the things I know you'll like.
[ Tech Boy blinks at K's fallen expression, genuinely confused by it. He has to run his last statement back to see what he had done to elicit such a reaction. He frowns lightly. ]
I know you're serious. So am I. I mean it. I'll be more careful. It's just that sometimes this place--every place, really--sometimes it has other ideas. But I promise I'm not going to do it to myself on purpose. I'm enough of a handful [ and lapful ] without making you worry about me running off into danger. Not even a very big fan of it. Danger.
But I'm a big fan of yours. So I promise. Hold me to it.
[ At the music question, he lifts one eyebrow and gives a smile that mirrors the one K now wears. ] I'll tell you a secret about that. [ He pauses, picking through his words. ] It's not torment. I love that you love music. And I used to--a hundred years ago--listen to all that stuff. But when electronic music created me and I created it, there's a bond. Undeniable. I no longer need the old stuff, even for amusement, because the new stuff is a part of me. And I'm in it. In a way, anyway. [ He shifts a little, physically comfortable but mentally well and truly off balance. ]
When you play, you can play me anything. I'll cherish it. You are where my heart is. You make it new. For me.
I thought you were being sarcastic, about doing something stupid... [ It's embarrassing to have misinterpreted that, but also immensely relieving to find out he was wrong. Tech Boy must have been... being literal. Not making a joke. The tension that had been building in K's posture eases as he presses his face against Tech Boy's neck, muffling his apology. ] I'm sorry. Of course I'll take care of you if anything happens. [ It's worth repeating. And he'll make good on that promise soon enough. ]
I know being careful isn't always enough, but as long as you're trying. And willing to let me help you. As long as you'll always do your best to come back to me.
[ Because I can't lose you.
The shifting makes him look back up. ]
Are you saying I only imagined jazz music making you cringe? [ His tone is teasing, a bit cautiously so following his prior misunderstanding. It's still hard to imagine Tech Boy actually enjoying being serenaded with ancient jazz, or non-electronic music in general other than classical, but his words — and validation — have K smiling even more now. ] You could share more of the music that you like, too.
[ He considers this first comment then nods after watching K's posture visibly relax. Tech Boy is sarcastic more often than he's sincere, so it's an honest mistake to make, and he wants to emphasize this to K. Warm, purring emotion as K presses against his neck. ]
It's hard to ask for help. Hard to be vulnerable. Physically. Mentally. [ It bears repeating. ] But I trust you. Only you. I put myself in your care, and I'll always come back for you.
[ Neither of us is losing the other. Not if I have any say in the matter.
K really is special because he's the only one who can tease the god in this way and get away with it. Who can call him out on his hypocrisy and still be in his divinely good graces. Tech Boy opens his mouth to respond to the jazz question... then glances into the middle distance over K's shoulder to think about a response. ]
You didn't imagine it, but uh... [ He touches the tip of his nose to K's to make some close eye contact. His tone is teasing in response. ] I can be a brat. [ A smirk. ] I'm sure you haven't noticed with all those detective skills of yours.
[ The little nose bump gets another smile. Yes, he may have noticed Tech Boy's tendency to be contrary and short-tempered and sometimes indelicate with things that can easily wound his android partner. It hasn't always been easy to navigate, with K's own tendency to want to keep those wounds to himself and feeling like a burden when he doesn't (though he's getting better about that, as demonstrated by this very conversation). But: ]
That's who you are. You don't have to change yourself for me, or force yourself to like something that you really don't.
[ Jazz music isn't the only thing on his mind, his smile fading by degrees as he continues dwelling on Tech Boy's earlier confession. But probably not. Tech was the hook. Something about it still bothers him, in a way he just doesn't know how to put into words, but he does take comfort in knowing he's loved for who he is. The same sentiment that he's trying to express to Tech Boy. ]
[ He's glad he can bring a smile to K's face with his nose touching and ridiculousness, but there's clearly something still muddling around in K's mind. Despite their confessions to each other, the tension between them lingers. Tech Boy has suspicions about what that might be, but he's not really all that skilled at navigating another person's emotions, and he doesn't want to assume and fuck things up again. It's much easier to be an asshole and dismissive (his usual approach to everyone he encounters) than to be attentive and caring towards someone. But he's learning. K makes him want to care. A New God learning even newer tricks. Learning to look outside of his own self and be gentle to someone. And allow himself to receive the same gentleness.
And yet, he had messed up somewhere. He hates seeing that faded expression on K's face. ]
I'm not pretending. I won't. I don't have the patience for that. I'm terrible undercover. [ but not under covers ] What you see is what you get. I'm nuanced, but I'm not going to be anything I'm not around you. Open and honest. Promise.
[ Tech Boy inhales slowly, thinking. ]
And I like what I like. No one's ever going to force me to do otherwise. Not even myself. I'll cringe, and I'll bitch. That's who I am. But I won't stick around if I don't really want to be someplace. I won't listen to music that I truly hate. I won't play games I don't enjoy or show vulnerability to someone I don't hold in the highest esteem.
[ Better? Worse? Who knows. But it's the truth. ]
And I'm not going anywhere. You're stuck with me now. You get the whole divine package.
[ K is quiet as he listens, considering what Tech Boy tells him. It helps to clarify his own thoughts and his expression clears a little as he finds the words, though he doesn't look up while he absently pulls at the hem of Tech Boy's outer shirt. ]
It didn't sound like there had to be a hook before you got involved with other people.
[ Regardless of how brief that "involvement" may have been. Tech Boy had made it clear this is his first relationship. Knowledge that K can also take comfort in when insecurities and uncertainties borne of his lived experience plague his thoughts — of not being good enough, of not being able to compare to real people, be they human or god or anyone else with actual autonomy, unlike him. His inexperience, his inadequacies... There's so much. He's especially and uncomfortably aware of the fact he isn't like a human or Tech Boy himself when it comes to some sexual functions; these aren't baseless worries, to him. ]
But you needed one with me.
[ To even want to talk to him. And that's why the admission had hurt, he realises. It confirmed his fears of being inferior to a real person. But that's also at odds with other things Tech Boy has told him... it's all confusing. ]
Tech Boy grows still. So that's what is on K's mind. That's not good. That's not right. No, that's very much the opposite of his intention, but it is a clear explanation for some of the conflict he'd seen on K's face tonight. It's wrong, and it sends a small burst of panic through his mind that he holds so very close to himself. His physical form is completely still as his mind races, trying to find the right way to explain himself. A machine working through a complex, unfamiliar algorithm to its conclusion.
He blinks. He hasn't actually said anything aloud yet to try to comfort K. He sputters a little to get it out as soon as he realizes this new mistake. ]
No.
[ It's all he can think to say at first. Not enough, he knows, so he hastens to not let the pause between words linger. He's practically tripping over his words, speaking quickly. ]
No, that's the opposite. You misunderstand. I don't-- [ He starts. Fails. ] I've never-- [ Again. He takes a deep breath. ]
I didn't "need" one with you. I was blessed with one from you. [ He's frowning now. ] If I'd just wanted to fuck you because you're a pretty face, I would have tried when we were still on that stupid boat. [ Crude, but true. Another deep breath. ] Before I met you, I was alone in a crowded room. Nothing and no one ever tried to connect with me. I didn't want them to. Just some fun and done. They serve a purpose, but they're boring. And slow.
But that night in the sick bay... I'd never met anyone who felt so close to my own essence. I thought you might be another godling at first. Nothing that I hadn't made myself felt like you felt then. Like you still feel now.
[ One of Tech Boy's hands moves to rest gently on the one K is using to play with his hem. ] Like maybe I didn't have to be alone. Get it?
[ At no point during the uncomfortable stretch of silence, false starts, or eventual explanation does K interrupt. It is crude, the blunt way Tech Boy talks about fucking him, but the suggestion has a look of shy amusement flickering across his face — and though he may have declined Tech (Telephone) Boy at the time if such an attempt had been made, the thought of undressing him from that old fashioned suit is doing... things... to K now. Things that can be addressed later. It's been a significant day for quite a few reasons for the both of them, and what better way to commemorate the occasion than by enjoying each other. Giving Tech Boy worship in another way.
There's a slower unraveling of the tension in his posture this time, and as it leaves him he leans into Tech Boy, letting relief and happiness dissolve the rest of his uncertainties. ]
I understand now. [ And he falls quiet again as he takes Tech Boy's hand, not for the first time admiring how finely-boned the god is. A pianist's hands. Hands made for creating. Unlike his own, but that doesn't mean he can't strive to be more than what he was made to be. He knows that now.
More human than human had once been a slogan for earlier Nexus models, the motto of the now defunct Tyrell Corporation. It's always left a bad taste in his mouth and Tech Boy's words have crystalised why. He may be programmed, conditioned, and socialised to see humans as fundamentally superior to himself and his kind, but he doesn't want to be human himself. He doesn't want to be viewed as one or have them used as the metric by which to measure and highlight his every perceived deficiency.
And Tech Boy hasn't ever done that.
The god sees him as someone like himself. Perhaps something of himself. And isn't K possibly even exactly that — his creation, even if indirectly? Living technology and the god of technology certainly share more commonalities with each other than either do with humanity, he thinks, regardless of their origins. And with Tech Boy being what he is, it isn't hard to imagine he finds himself alone even amongst other gods who can't understand how he thinks, how he works. Who probably don't care to understand. But K does.
While all of these thoughts are running through his mind, he intentionally projects them in such a way that Tech Boy will know he's being invited to "listen in" on them, that they're intended to be shared. It's more efficient than trying to find the words to speak them aloud. But— ]
I am yours. Part of you. Aren't I? [ In more than just the sentimental sense; he's also referring to Tech Boy's purview. ] Humanity expects my kind to revere them as gods... [ He finally raises his eyes from Tech Boy's hand to his face, regarding him with a solemn, searching look. It softens as he smiles. ] You're my god.
[ And so much more than that, but he trusts Tech Boy already has a good idea of the depth of his feelings now. ]
[ K's projection of his thoughts while he's still looking at Tech Boy's hand brings a sort of sad smile to the god's face. It will be gone by the time K looks up, but the extent to which the two of them understand each other this matter breaks Tech Boy's heart. They aren't human. Never would be. Never meant to be. Never wanted to be. But when there isn't anyone else around who knows what that's like, well, one just had to get along by oneself. The Technical Boy often found himself too humanlike to fit in properly with the gods, too much a god to have any real need for human companionship, and too much a computer to really be anything but himself. It sucked, and the longer it went on, the more he'd become convinced that it's just the way things were. Held up to the measure of others, Tech Boy would never be good enough. That's why he fought so very hard to stay relevant, to keep advancing himself. That's why he'd never been afraid to leave anyone in his dust.
He hears K, and he listens intently, answering the projection with one of his own. The god had been so lonely before meeting K, before meeting someone so special--and in a way that felt familiar. Like himself and of himself. Just like K said.
The technology god has never been good with his words, not careful or clear, a result of never being socialized properly aside from what they'd needed from him for work. Tech Boy can schmooze with the best of them, can sell a brand, and can convert stubborn Old minds to change. But the rest? It's hard. He's still learning. Talking like this, this silent but open connection with K to whom he has confessed his love... maybe one day he'll learn. Or at least learn to communicate properly with the only damn person he cares enough about to try understanding.
One thing is clear, and has been clear to the god since their first meeting. Humanity doesn't deserve K's reverence. He's better than them, and Tech Boy makes sure K knows his verdict on this matter, wordlessly but in no uncertain terms.
His voice in response is quiet but carries an edge of determination. ] You are mine. [ Definitively, purview or no. ] I am your god.
Except in the ways that matter most, K can't help but think, even now. The affirmation is going to take a while for him to really process and let sink into his consciousness, when his human-made programming prevents him from believing it about himself. But he can at least believe that Tech Boy believes it.
That the god holds him in such high esteem — and even more incredibly, loves him — means absolutely everything to him, and between their silent exchanges and the words that were spoken aloud, K's expression is becoming dangerously watery from how overwhelmed he feels. It's the look of someone who doesn't quite know how to cry, and doesn't fully understand the intensity of his own emotional response. Soon he's ducking his head to hide his face against Tech Boy's neck again, this time smiling, and winds both arms around him to hold him tighter. It will be a few more moments before K finds his voice. ]
That's all I want. To be yours, and you to be mine.
[ And for neither of them to be bound to humanity or reliant on them for survival, though he knows that isn't as easily accomplished. But they have each other. They can continue figuring it out together. Of more immediate relevance is making sure they're still on the same page about the trajectory of their relationship; this conversation has him thinking about one of the finer details in particular. It has hardly sounded like Tech Boy misses how his life used to be, but K would rather know for certain what his feelings are than assume. ]
Is this still what you want? With me. [ A moment of thought before he clarifies, ] With just me, I mean. [ He begins lightly stroking Tech Boy's lower back with a hand, and there's a warm sensation of amusement curling through their connection as he's remembering their first conversation about monogamy. ] If you haven't grown tired of my naked jazz repertoire yet... [ Then he sobers. ] Or do you need more than what I can give you?
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brandnewtech) wrote2019-09-29 05:00 am
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If anyone calls you defective, I will fucking kill them. [ That may be true in K's homeworld, but the god's not going to let that bullshit fly anymore. No as long as he can help it. ] No one gets to take your life like that. To take you away from me.
[ The comments about the god's heavy burden go unremarked upon for the moment, overwritten by his anger at the humans who might retire K because he's slowly evolving beyond his original programming. A beautiful, complex man beyond what the Technical Boy could have hoped for in his own lifetime.
He kisses K again, fiercely protective and fired up with so many strong emotions of the last few minutes. ]
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Fear lends a desperate edge to their kiss, and that in itself is a revelation — he's never feared for his own life before. Dying either in the line of duty or by his handler's order was something he used to accept as an inevitability, as he was programmed to. But not now. And he's reminded of their tense conversation all those months ago, about the possibility of Tech Boy altering his programming for him... ]
I don't want to go back. Not alone. [ He murmurs as he leans their foreheads together, reaching up with one hand but hesitating. He's gotten used to being able to play with Tech Boy's hair in those instances where it's loose, but he's careful not to muss it otherwise. His hand comes to rest on Tech Boy's neck instead, mirroring his own gesture. ] I want to be wherever you are. And help you. However I can... to make that burden more bearable.
[ Hard to say whether his homeworld would necessarily be ideal for Tech Boy, either, but if they don't have a choice? K can accept anywhere, as long as they're still together. Tech Boy had once said his own world rejected him. And if that means what K assumes it does: ] To keep you alive, too.
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They're both in precarious positions in their respective homeworlds, but. But if they can find a way to stay together.... Would that be too much to ask from such a cruel dream world? To wake from a nightmare and find their physical selves still together? (More likely than you'd think!) ]
You make everything more bearable. This place [ indicating Deerington ] and this place. [ He draws one hand back for a moment to use a finger to tap himself on the forehead. ]
I got so used to being alone, but I never want to go back to that. [ He smiles softly. ] I know you'll protect me. And I'll do the same for you. You have a god's blessing.
[ Tech Boy threads his fingers behind K's neck again, leaning back a little to look at him, that same rare soft smile on his lips. Without forming the conscious word for it, "mine" is the impression. And "yours." ]
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You won't have to be alone anymore. [ The words are murmured against his throat as K bows his head, and followed by light kisses trailed along his skin. ] A god's blessing. What does that mean?
[ And he's still curious about his prior question, but one thing at a time. ]
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[ He shifts a little, still holding onto K protectively. For as soft as Tech Boy can be on occasion, his excitement is volatile. The urge to do something to remedy their current situations and that of their homeworlds is at the front of his mind. Not that there's shit he can do about any of it from the dream world of Deerington. ]
I don't have the juice here. Yet. I'll get it back somehow. But it's a promise you can count on.
[ Any actual acknowledgement of his limitations (rare, but for K's eyes only) always takes a bit of the fire out of him, and the god's temperament is visibly calming down. He unthreads his fingers to place one hand on K's chest. ]
You're a blessing yourself, you know.
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Not that I don't appreciate it... [ He reaches down and covers the hand laid against his chest. ] But I need you to be safe. No taking foolish risks on my behalf. [ A pointed pause. ] No taking foolish risks. [ Full-stop. Even though he knows it's inevitable, in this place; he still wants Tech Boy to at least try and be careful. ] I don't want a repeat of Rapture, we can figure things out together now. Can't we?
[ And he does miss Sweeney's friendship, but can't help thinking it's better for Tech Boy, not having someone always goading him toward destructive behaviour like that. (Though a part of K had always held out hope the two might learn to work together.) ]
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Okay, fine, I won't anymore. Since you asked. No repeats of Rapture. Promise. We'll do this together and watch each other's backs. Keeping us both safe. To spend our inhumanly long lives together no matter what comes our way.
But. [ He taps his index finger. Not trying to free his hand, just making a point. ] If something does happen--quite by accident and not because I did something stupid--you can play for me and nurse me back to health. I leave myself to your tender mercies, like I do for no one else.
Will you? [ He leans in for another kiss, softly this time. ] Play for me?
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[ And needless to say, he'll do so to the best of his abilities regardless of the circumstances. He just wishes the promise could have been real. The kiss is nice, though, and he returns it in lieu of saying anything more for a few moments.
And that request brings them back around to the prior topic that was put on hold. He lightly runs his thumb along Tech Boy's knuckles. ]
You never did answer my other question. About my playing... and how you can't stand most of the music that I like. [ He offers a slight smile. ] I don't intend to torment you. I'll play for you, but only the things I know you'll like.
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I know you're serious. So am I. I mean it. I'll be more careful. It's just that sometimes this place--every place, really--sometimes it has other ideas. But I promise I'm not going to do it to myself on purpose. I'm enough of a handful [ and lapful ] without making you worry about me running off into danger. Not even a very big fan of it. Danger.
But I'm a big fan of yours. So I promise. Hold me to it.
[ At the music question, he lifts one eyebrow and gives a smile that mirrors the one K now wears. ] I'll tell you a secret about that. [ He pauses, picking through his words. ] It's not torment. I love that you love music. And I used to--a hundred years ago--listen to all that stuff. But when electronic music created me and I created it, there's a bond. Undeniable. I no longer need the old stuff, even for amusement, because the new stuff is a part of me. And I'm in it. In a way, anyway. [ He shifts a little, physically comfortable but mentally well and truly off balance. ]
When you play, you can play me anything. I'll cherish it. You are where my heart is. You make it new. For me.
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I know being careful isn't always enough, but as long as you're trying. And willing to let me help you. As long as you'll always do your best to come back to me.
[ Because I can't lose you.
The shifting makes him look back up. ]
Are you saying I only imagined jazz music making you cringe? [ His tone is teasing, a bit cautiously so following his prior misunderstanding. It's still hard to imagine Tech Boy actually enjoying being serenaded with ancient jazz, or non-electronic music in general other than classical, but his words — and validation — have K smiling even more now. ] You could share more of the music that you like, too.
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It's hard to ask for help. Hard to be vulnerable. Physically. Mentally. [ It bears repeating. ] But I trust you. Only you. I put myself in your care, and I'll always come back for you.
[ Neither of us is losing the other. Not if I have any say in the matter.
K really is special because he's the only one who can tease the god in this way and get away with it. Who can call him out on his hypocrisy and still be in his divinely good graces. Tech Boy opens his mouth to respond to the jazz question... then glances into the middle distance over K's shoulder to think about a response. ]
You didn't imagine it, but uh... [ He touches the tip of his nose to K's to make some close eye contact. His tone is teasing in response. ] I can be a brat. [ A smirk. ] I'm sure you haven't noticed with all those detective skills of yours.
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That's who you are. You don't have to change yourself for me, or force yourself to like something that you really don't.
[ Jazz music isn't the only thing on his mind, his smile fading by degrees as he continues dwelling on Tech Boy's earlier confession. But probably not. Tech was the hook. Something about it still bothers him, in a way he just doesn't know how to put into words, but he does take comfort in knowing he's loved for who he is. The same sentiment that he's trying to express to Tech Boy. ]
You don't have to pretend with me. Or— for me.
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And yet, he had messed up somewhere. He hates seeing that faded expression on K's face. ]
I'm not pretending. I won't. I don't have the patience for that. I'm terrible undercover. [ but not under covers ] What you see is what you get. I'm nuanced, but I'm not going to be anything I'm not around you. Open and honest. Promise.
[ Tech Boy inhales slowly, thinking. ]
And I like what I like. No one's ever going to force me to do otherwise. Not even myself. I'll cringe, and I'll bitch. That's who I am. But I won't stick around if I don't really want to be someplace. I won't listen to music that I truly hate. I won't play games I don't enjoy or show vulnerability to someone I don't hold in the highest esteem.
[ Better? Worse? Who knows. But it's the truth. ]
And I'm not going anywhere. You're stuck with me now. You get the whole divine package.
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It didn't sound like there had to be a hook before you got involved with other people.
[ Regardless of how brief that "involvement" may have been. Tech Boy had made it clear this is his first relationship. Knowledge that K can also take comfort in when insecurities and uncertainties borne of his lived experience plague his thoughts — of not being good enough, of not being able to compare to real people, be they human or god or anyone else with actual autonomy, unlike him. His inexperience, his inadequacies... There's so much. He's especially and uncomfortably aware of the fact he isn't like a human or Tech Boy himself when it comes to some sexual functions; these aren't baseless worries, to him. ]
But you needed one with me.
[ To even want to talk to him. And that's why the admission had hurt, he realises. It confirmed his fears of being inferior to a real person. But that's also at odds with other things Tech Boy has told him... it's all confusing. ]
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Tech Boy grows still. So that's what is on K's mind. That's not good. That's not right. No, that's very much the opposite of his intention, but it is a clear explanation for some of the conflict he'd seen on K's face tonight. It's wrong, and it sends a small burst of panic through his mind that he holds so very close to himself. His physical form is completely still as his mind races, trying to find the right way to explain himself. A machine working through a complex, unfamiliar algorithm to its conclusion.
He blinks. He hasn't actually said anything aloud yet to try to comfort K. He sputters a little to get it out as soon as he realizes this new mistake. ]
No.
[ It's all he can think to say at first. Not enough, he knows, so he hastens to not let the pause between words linger. He's practically tripping over his words, speaking quickly. ]
No, that's the opposite. You misunderstand. I don't-- [ He starts. Fails. ] I've never-- [ Again. He takes a deep breath. ]
I didn't "need" one with you. I was blessed with one from you. [ He's frowning now. ] If I'd just wanted to fuck you because you're a pretty face, I would have tried when we were still on that stupid boat. [ Crude, but true. Another deep breath. ] Before I met you, I was alone in a crowded room. Nothing and no one ever tried to connect with me. I didn't want them to. Just some fun and done. They serve a purpose, but they're boring. And slow.
But that night in the sick bay... I'd never met anyone who felt so close to my own essence. I thought you might be another godling at first. Nothing that I hadn't made myself felt like you felt then. Like you still feel now.
[ One of Tech Boy's hands moves to rest gently on the one K is using to play with his hem. ] Like maybe I didn't have to be alone. Get it?
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There's a slower unraveling of the tension in his posture this time, and as it leaves him he leans into Tech Boy, letting relief and happiness dissolve the rest of his uncertainties. ]
I understand now. [ And he falls quiet again as he takes Tech Boy's hand, not for the first time admiring how finely-boned the god is. A pianist's hands. Hands made for creating. Unlike his own, but that doesn't mean he can't strive to be more than what he was made to be. He knows that now.
More human than human had once been a slogan for earlier Nexus models, the motto of the now defunct Tyrell Corporation. It's always left a bad taste in his mouth and Tech Boy's words have crystalised why. He may be programmed, conditioned, and socialised to see humans as fundamentally superior to himself and his kind, but he doesn't want to be human himself. He doesn't want to be viewed as one or have them used as the metric by which to measure and highlight his every perceived deficiency.
And Tech Boy hasn't ever done that.
The god sees him as someone like himself. Perhaps something of himself. And isn't K possibly even exactly that — his creation, even if indirectly? Living technology and the god of technology certainly share more commonalities with each other than either do with humanity, he thinks, regardless of their origins. And with Tech Boy being what he is, it isn't hard to imagine he finds himself alone even amongst other gods who can't understand how he thinks, how he works. Who probably don't care to understand. But K does.
While all of these thoughts are running through his mind, he intentionally projects them in such a way that Tech Boy will know he's being invited to "listen in" on them, that they're intended to be shared. It's more efficient than trying to find the words to speak them aloud. But— ]
I am yours. Part of you. Aren't I? [ In more than just the sentimental sense; he's also referring to Tech Boy's purview. ] Humanity expects my kind to revere them as gods... [ He finally raises his eyes from Tech Boy's hand to his face, regarding him with a solemn, searching look. It softens as he smiles. ] You're my god.
[ And so much more than that, but he trusts Tech Boy already has a good idea of the depth of his feelings now. ]
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He hears K, and he listens intently, answering the projection with one of his own. The god had been so lonely before meeting K, before meeting someone so special--and in a way that felt familiar. Like himself and of himself. Just like K said.
The technology god has never been good with his words, not careful or clear, a result of never being socialized properly aside from what they'd needed from him for work. Tech Boy can schmooze with the best of them, can sell a brand, and can convert stubborn Old minds to change. But the rest? It's hard. He's still learning. Talking like this, this silent but open connection with K to whom he has confessed his love... maybe one day he'll learn. Or at least learn to communicate properly with the only damn person he cares enough about to try understanding.
One thing is clear, and has been clear to the god since their first meeting. Humanity doesn't deserve K's reverence. He's better than them, and Tech Boy makes sure K knows his verdict on this matter, wordlessly but in no uncertain terms.
His voice in response is quiet but carries an edge of determination. ] You are mine. [ Definitively, purview or no. ] I am your god.
[ and so much more, he agrees. ]
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Except in the ways that matter most, K can't help but think, even now. The affirmation is going to take a while for him to really process and let sink into his consciousness, when his human-made programming prevents him from believing it about himself. But he can at least believe that Tech Boy believes it.
That the god holds him in such high esteem — and even more incredibly, loves him — means absolutely everything to him, and between their silent exchanges and the words that were spoken aloud, K's expression is becoming dangerously watery from how overwhelmed he feels. It's the look of someone who doesn't quite know how to cry, and doesn't fully understand the intensity of his own emotional response. Soon he's ducking his head to hide his face against Tech Boy's neck again, this time smiling, and winds both arms around him to hold him tighter. It will be a few more moments before K finds his voice. ]
That's all I want. To be yours, and you to be mine.
[ And for neither of them to be bound to humanity or reliant on them for survival, though he knows that isn't as easily accomplished. But they have each other. They can continue figuring it out together. Of more immediate relevance is making sure they're still on the same page about the trajectory of their relationship; this conversation has him thinking about one of the finer details in particular. It has hardly sounded like Tech Boy misses how his life used to be, but K would rather know for certain what his feelings are than assume. ]
Is this still what you want? With me. [ A moment of thought before he clarifies, ] With just me, I mean. [ He begins lightly stroking Tech Boy's lower back with a hand, and there's a warm sensation of amusement curling through their connection as he's remembering their first conversation about monogamy. ] If you haven't grown tired of my naked jazz repertoire yet... [ Then he sobers. ] Or do you need more than what I can give you?