[ More real is good. The kiss is even better. And K knows something about the raw feeling of being exposed in the wake of vulnerability like this, knowledge that has him tightening his arm around Tech Boy and deepening the kiss with a sigh, happy to get lost in the sensation with him. There's a hint of teeth against his bottom lip in response to his prior dismissive tone, though.
I mean it sincerely.
Just in case there was any truth behind Tech Boy's teasing. Eventually K draws back enough to speak aloud, while carefully working his unoccupied hand past the layers of Tech Boy's shirts to press warm against his chest, skin to skin. ]
What is it like? Being... reborn? [ For lack of a better term. "Upgraded" doesn't sound quite right, even though it's the term Tech Boy himself has used when speaking about his evolution. It just doesn't adequately encompass how remarkable all of this feels to K.
[ Mmmmm teeth are good. He smiles with a hint of mischief as K pulls away a little to speak. He's content. Pleased with the reverence and with K's hand against his skin. He feels a bit high on the sensations of the moment, but the gravity of K's question keeps him grounded.
Souls don't work the same way with gods, but he knows the "rebirth" feeling that comes with the upgrade. His brow furrows in thought. He's never had to put words to it before, never been asked to explain it. Media only knew because she'd done the same. But even among the New Gods, this sort of thing is rare. Usually, gods just die when they outlive their usefulness.
Or get forcefully retired. Whatever. ]
It's hard to explain. I want to tell you, but I don't really know how. [ Tech Boy is frowning in thought now, but he steals another kiss as he contemplates the words. ] It's like. Legos. Little building blocks that used to be configured in one way but now they look like another. Ones and zeroes falling into new patterns that no one's ever thought of before but they're, like, my ones and zeroes. It shatters in the process, but it all comes back together.
[ He stammers a little, because it's not that simple, and he doesn't know if that makes any sense anyway. ] S-sure there's new code in there. What good is an upgrade if you're not changing something for the better?
[ Tech Boy's memory is long, so he does remember changing throughout the years. It definitely got more painful every time. Broken into smaller bits. Into bits. Ones and zeroes. Does K want to hear about how much it hurts? It's better to talk about how beautiful the reconstruction is. ]
[ That it most likely hurts is a foregone conclusion in K's mind, because his own lived experience has driven home one lesson definitively: life is pain, in every sense. Amid the pain are these fleeting moments of something better, if you're lucky, and hopefully they're enough to make the difficult parts worth enduring.
And if Tech Boy has ever wondered why K tends to prefer romanticism and still hopes for a future together, despite the odds being very much against them, that would be why. Because it's nearly the only thing that makes what awaits him in his homeworld worth enduring. ]
There's new code, but you're still you. I think I understand. But why the disdain for who you used to be? [ Because he remembers how embarrassed Tech Boy had seemed when explaining his previous incarnation as the Telephone Boy. Not to mention: ] And the disdain for older things in general, like jazz music? [ Though his tone is a little teasing there, he is curious. ] But not classical music, despite it being even older.
One day maybe I'll be old technology, if I can survive that long. I hope you won't trade me in for an upgraded model because you're embarrassed of me. [ The sentiment is punctuated with a kiss as he strokes what he can reach of Tech Boy's skin, and he clearly isn't entirely serious, but he also isn't entirely joking, either.
Little does he know (yet), the Nexus line is very unlikely to ever progress beyond his model. ]
People. [ His answer comes quickly. ] I'm the God of Technology and nobody likes crusty, old, recirculated, boring ideas coming from a technology god. It's the cutting edge or nothing at all. It's who I am. Intrinsically. The newest, shiniest thing. I disdain my past versions for the same reason people upgrade their iPhones when they one they own is only 4 months old. The drive. To be the best.
[ The question about music causes him to incline his head slightly away from K and back to the piano keys. He reaches out to pick out a few notes on the instrument. ] This iteration was built from classical music. I have no choice. Run it through audio editing software--[ He taps his finger on the tablet to illustrate his point, and it gives a notification beep in response to his attention. ]--and it brings the music to my level. Makes it New. [ pronounced with an audible capital letter. ]
Jazz can be New if it wants to. It just doesn't. [ Not the best follow up, but it's all he has for the moment. ] And if jazz doesn't want me, I don't want it either. [ But he considers, putting visible thought into it. ] There are, of course, exceptions. For the right reasons.
[ He turns his full attention back to K, taking his face lightly with both hands. ] You will never be old tech to me. There is no other model for me other than you. No other person for me other than you.
Edited (changed the wording a bit) 2020-08-28 23:05 (UTC)
[ It's with a sinking feeling that K realises he's probably been going about it wrong from the start, then, in thinking Tech Boy enjoys his playing on traditional instruments. But he lacks access to any sort of audio editing software himself, and what would be the point? To edit out his presence in the music and make it sound like something completely different? Might as well just let a program play the music.
But he can understand to some extent. Tech Boy must be bound to his preferences just as much as K is bound to his programming. It's who he is, as he said. Intrinsically.
And that's why, despite the reassurance, K's frowning to himself as he withdraws his hands and clasps them together in his lap, staring down at them. The reassurance seems to contradict everything else Tech Boy explained. ]
How do you know you won't feel differently once you've experienced technology more advanced than me? [ Because surprise, he still struggles to even think of himself as a person. He's just gotten better at not talking about it. ] Once I'm not New.
If I were anything other than what I am, would you have even given me the time of day back in the ship's hospital? ...Would any of this have happened?
[ As K withdraws, Tech Boy turns his hands palms up in an expression somewhere between supplication and a shrug. This is why he finds explaining the nature of his godhood so frustrating. It's bizarre even to other gods. It's hard to put in the right words. And whatever is going on in K's mind right now and put the god solidly on the wrong foot. Again.
Tech Boy's relationship with music is a lot more complicated than he's letting on. Something something he needs the intelligent design present in a human or a complex AI to give it power and meaning because if a computer program writes it he may as well just do it himself and where's the fun in that something something, etc. But he can't read K's mind, and the spoken fear takes priority.
Concern overwrites any other emotion on his face. Hesitantly, he reaches out to place on hand over K's.
He opens his mouth to speak, closes it, frowns, then tries again. ]
It's not like that. You asked why I hate myself. Or the old versions of myself anyway. The--[ searching for the word ]--burden that humanity puts on me as a god is not something I'll ever demand from you. Fuck, I wouldn't even wish it on my enemies. If I fall behind, I'm toast. If I'm out-of-date and obsolete, I'm as good as dead. Or worse. Might as well play my fucking funeral song instead of my creation song.
[ He ducks his head to try and find eye contact with K. ] I don't feel the way I do about you because you're New. I fell in love with you because you're you. Would I have given you the time of day a hundred tears ago in the hospital of the Titanic were you not what you are? You're handsome, no doubt, but probably not. Sure, tech was the hook. But I stuck around because of who you are, not what you are. You will always be shiny and new to me. There's no replacing you. You're not an iPhone, no matter what those assholes back in your home world kept trying to tell you. Not to me.
[ He bends to kiss K's folded hands. Is he fucking this up? He really doesn't want to fuck this up. ]
[ The sudden jolt of shocked, confused elation K feels at Tech Boy putting his feelings into words is deflated ever so slightly by the rest of the truth he couches them in.
But probably not. Tech was the hook.
He'll never fault the god for honesty because he values it so highly, and he did ask. But he also can't deny the sting caused by the words, that reinforces what he already knew: good things don't happen without some pain being involved. Though he wishes it could be otherwise, sometimes. Especially right now.
Well. Being told it's only the fact he's an android that there was any initial interest isn't the worst thing, despite his conflicted feelings about it. In fact, it might be the only time being an android has led to anything good, for him. Maybe he's framing this the wrong way. Again. But he's smiling as he watches Tech Boy lean down to kiss his hands, and reaches to lightly touch his face afterward, cupping his jaw. Whenever K withdraws, it's never meant to shut Tech Boy out. ]
I also asked why you disdain older things in general. [ It's only pointed out because that's where a lot of his worries stemmed from. ] But I'm glad it isn't like that between us... except maybe when it comes to my music preferences. [ It's an attempt at levity, then something a little more serious as he still wonders about the role of software in all of this. ] And my playing?
[ A long pause follows while he searches Tech Boy's face. Is that what this is? he wants to ask, but even as the thought forms in his mind, he already knows the answer with a level of certainty he doesn't often experience when it comes to emotions. This isn't a new development, only the words are. Words that he finds himself returning without hesitation. ]
[ Tech Boy had told the truth about his initial attraction to K despite knowing how much K struggles with his android identity in relation to his place in the world. Mentally, he can sense that turmoil even now. The remark is meant in great esteem. Catching the god's interest in such a fashion is rare, maybe even unheard of. Humans are short-lived, short-sighted, predictable, and boring--as were all his dalliances with them. The fact that there had even been the opportunity for them to get this close is exceptional. Because he can't immediately think of a way to comment on this framed in any way that might be reassuring to K at this moment, he files the observation for later.
Besides. Something very significant had just happened. Something he hadn't consciously intended, but he'd finally spoken the word that had been on his mind for some time now. He doesn't regret saying it. Not in the slightest. It's the truth. More true than if he'd taken the time to overthink it. More than simply fondness or physical attraction or curiosity or protection or companionship. Love/. It's all those other things too. But one word carries a lot of power.
And K had said it back.
Tech Boy lets out a slow breath. Anything else he'd been about to say is pushed aside for the moment. He needs to be kissing K, his love, right now. The rest of it will have to wait for a few minutes. He'll respond to K's question about his playing, mentally indicating his receipt of the question so K knows he won't forget, but first. This.
Practically hopping into K's lap to straddle him, holding onto his strong shoulders for physical and mental balance, it is Tech Boy's intention to kiss K thoroughly, deeply, definitively. ]
[ Suddenly finding himself in possession of a lap full of god gets a quiet laugh from K as he winds his arms around Tech Boy, holding him steady so neither of them slip off the piano bench. His desire for a kiss is eagerly met and the intensity of it manages to catch K by surprise, even after all this time, and the countless others they've shared. This one feels singularly special, and for good reason.
That he isn't going to become disposable to Tech Boy wasn't his only takeaway from what was shared. And he isn't in a rush to end the kiss, but he does have more he wants to say. While he's speaking, he continues intermittently pressing light kisses to Tech Boy's face, still holding onto him. ]
I can understand your burden. Not the full extent of what it must be like, feeling the weight of that from all of humanity, but...
One wrong answer, one wrong emotion. That's all it takes. [ The baseline tests. Tech Boy isn't alone in being held to inhumanly high, unforgiving standards. ] If I'm found to be defective by those who own me, that's it for me. I'm sorry you have to carry an even heavier burden.
[ It's a bitter irony that the very humans who enslave K and his kind are also Tech Boy's worshipers as a direct result of it. Would even K's own retirement benefit Tech Boy in a divine capacity? At least it wouldn't be a complete waste then. ]
[ Tech Boy moves his hands to the back of K's neck, still clinging, partially out of emotion and partially so he doesn't lose his balance. The digital glow in his eyes is back as he meets K's eyes, expression serious. ]
If anyone calls you defective, I will fucking kill them. [ That may be true in K's homeworld, but the god's not going to let that bullshit fly anymore. No as long as he can help it. ] No one gets to take your life like that. To take you away from me.
[ The comments about the god's heavy burden go unremarked upon for the moment, overwritten by his anger at the humans who might retire K because he's slowly evolving beyond his original programming. A beautiful, complex man beyond what the Technical Boy could have hoped for in his own lifetime.
He kisses K again, fiercely protective and fired up with so many strong emotions of the last few minutes. ]
[ Always that lingering undercurrent of uncertainty about the future. Their future, the only one that really matters to K. As much as he tries to deny it to himself, he knows his developing emotions and his tenuous but growing sense of personhood can probably only lead to one outcome, as far as his baseline tests are concerned. And if he refuses to submit to them, that's as good as signing his death warrant.
Fear lends a desperate edge to their kiss, and that in itself is a revelation — he's never feared for his own life before. Dying either in the line of duty or by his handler's order was something he used to accept as an inevitability, as he was programmed to. But not now. And he's reminded of their tense conversation all those months ago, about the possibility of Tech Boy altering his programming for him... ]
I don't want to go back. Not alone. [ He murmurs as he leans their foreheads together, reaching up with one hand but hesitating. He's gotten used to being able to play with Tech Boy's hair in those instances where it's loose, but he's careful not to muss it otherwise. His hand comes to rest on Tech Boy's neck instead, mirroring his own gesture. ] I want to be wherever you are. And help you. However I can... to make that burden more bearable.
[ Hard to say whether his homeworld would necessarily be ideal for Tech Boy, either, but if they don't have a choice? K can accept anywhere, as long as they're still together. Tech Boy had once said his own world rejected him. And if that means what K assumes it does: ] To keep you alive, too.
[ Protection and desperation and love and fear and affection and every other strong emotion poured into the kiss leaves the Technical Boy a bit breathless when they separate so K can speak. Tech Boy can hear K's mind at work, but he doesn't read more into it than that for the moment. Although the particulars stay with K for now, his words reinforce the surface thoughts and the edge present in their kiss.
They're both in precarious positions in their respective homeworlds, but. But if they can find a way to stay together.... Would that be too much to ask from such a cruel dream world? To wake from a nightmare and find their physical selves still together? (More likely than you'd think!) ]
You make everything more bearable. This place [ indicating Deerington ] and this place. [ He draws one hand back for a moment to use a finger to tap himself on the forehead. ]
I got so used to being alone, but I never want to go back to that. [ He smiles softly. ] I know you'll protect me. And I'll do the same for you. You have a god's blessing.
[ Tech Boy threads his fingers behind K's neck again, leaning back a little to look at him, that same rare soft smile on his lips. Without forming the conscious word for it, "mine" is the impression. And "yours." ]
[ Maybe it will even be enough... Protecting each other, his efforts to make things more bearable for Tech Boy. Time would tell. He returns the smile, stroking his fingers against the back of Tech Boy's neck. ]
You won't have to be alone anymore. [ The words are murmured against his throat as K bows his head, and followed by light kisses trailed along his skin. ] A god's blessing. What does that mean?
[ And he's still curious about his prior question, but one thing at a time. ]
My blessing. [ Tech Boy's eyes go a little wide, glinting with a very dangerous sort of mischief. ] It means I'll fuck 'em up. Whoever they are. Whatever they've done. For you.
[ He shifts a little, still holding onto K protectively. For as soft as Tech Boy can be on occasion, his excitement is volatile. The urge to do something to remedy their current situations and that of their homeworlds is at the front of his mind. Not that there's shit he can do about any of it from the dream world of Deerington. ]
I don't have the juice here. Yet. I'll get it back somehow. But it's a promise you can count on.
[ Any actual acknowledgement of his limitations (rare, but for K's eyes only) always takes a bit of the fire out of him, and the god's temperament is visibly calming down. He unthreads his fingers to place one hand on K's chest. ]
[ The words kindle a familiar warmth in K's chest that he can now put a name to, and he ducks his head even further, an almost shy gesture, still smiling to himself. He'll never forget the way Tech Boy makes him feel in moments like this — protected and cared for, and as though his life has meaning. Loved, more than anything. ]
Not that I don't appreciate it... [ He reaches down and covers the hand laid against his chest. ] But I need you to be safe. No taking foolish risks on my behalf. [ A pointed pause. ] No taking foolish risks. [ Full-stop. Even though he knows it's inevitable, in this place; he still wants Tech Boy to at least try and be careful. ] I don't want a repeat of Rapture, we can figure things out together now. Can't we?
[ And he does miss Sweeney's friendship, but can't help thinking it's better for Tech Boy, not having someone always goading him toward destructive behaviour like that. (Though a part of K had always held out hope the two might learn to work together.) ]
I don't take foolish risks. [ Which is a lie. Tech Boy knows it. K knows it. Poor blind, dead Argus knows it. World knows it. Hell, Sodder probably knows it, too. The expression on his face clearly betrays this universal knowledge, and instead he shakes his head to negate his own statement. ]
Okay, fine, I won't anymore. Since you asked. No repeats of Rapture. Promise. We'll do this together and watch each other's backs. Keeping us both safe. To spend our inhumanly long lives together no matter what comes our way.
But. [ He taps his index finger. Not trying to free his hand, just making a point. ] If something does happen--quite by accident and not because I did something stupid--you can play for me and nurse me back to health. I leave myself to your tender mercies, like I do for no one else.
Will you? [ He leans in for another kiss, softly this time. ] Play for me?
[ K's expression falls at Tech Boy already trying to get out of ever upholding the promise (though the honesty is preferable to being lied to), and he quietly points out: ] I was being serious. But I will take care of you, no matter what happens.
[ And needless to say, he'll do so to the best of his abilities regardless of the circumstances. He just wishes the promise could have been real. The kiss is nice, though, and he returns it in lieu of saying anything more for a few moments.
And that request brings them back around to the prior topic that was put on hold. He lightly runs his thumb along Tech Boy's knuckles. ]
You never did answer my other question. About my playing... and how you can't stand most of the music that I like. [ He offers a slight smile. ] I don't intend to torment you. I'll play for you, but only the things I know you'll like.
[ Tech Boy blinks at K's fallen expression, genuinely confused by it. He has to run his last statement back to see what he had done to elicit such a reaction. He frowns lightly. ]
I know you're serious. So am I. I mean it. I'll be more careful. It's just that sometimes this place--every place, really--sometimes it has other ideas. But I promise I'm not going to do it to myself on purpose. I'm enough of a handful [ and lapful ] without making you worry about me running off into danger. Not even a very big fan of it. Danger.
But I'm a big fan of yours. So I promise. Hold me to it.
[ At the music question, he lifts one eyebrow and gives a smile that mirrors the one K now wears. ] I'll tell you a secret about that. [ He pauses, picking through his words. ] It's not torment. I love that you love music. And I used to--a hundred years ago--listen to all that stuff. But when electronic music created me and I created it, there's a bond. Undeniable. I no longer need the old stuff, even for amusement, because the new stuff is a part of me. And I'm in it. In a way, anyway. [ He shifts a little, physically comfortable but mentally well and truly off balance. ]
When you play, you can play me anything. I'll cherish it. You are where my heart is. You make it new. For me.
I thought you were being sarcastic, about doing something stupid... [ It's embarrassing to have misinterpreted that, but also immensely relieving to find out he was wrong. Tech Boy must have been... being literal. Not making a joke. The tension that had been building in K's posture eases as he presses his face against Tech Boy's neck, muffling his apology. ] I'm sorry. Of course I'll take care of you if anything happens. [ It's worth repeating. And he'll make good on that promise soon enough. ]
I know being careful isn't always enough, but as long as you're trying. And willing to let me help you. As long as you'll always do your best to come back to me.
[ Because I can't lose you.
The shifting makes him look back up. ]
Are you saying I only imagined jazz music making you cringe? [ His tone is teasing, a bit cautiously so following his prior misunderstanding. It's still hard to imagine Tech Boy actually enjoying being serenaded with ancient jazz, or non-electronic music in general other than classical, but his words — and validation — have K smiling even more now. ] You could share more of the music that you like, too.
[ He considers this first comment then nods after watching K's posture visibly relax. Tech Boy is sarcastic more often than he's sincere, so it's an honest mistake to make, and he wants to emphasize this to K. Warm, purring emotion as K presses against his neck. ]
It's hard to ask for help. Hard to be vulnerable. Physically. Mentally. [ It bears repeating. ] But I trust you. Only you. I put myself in your care, and I'll always come back for you.
[ Neither of us is losing the other. Not if I have any say in the matter.
K really is special because he's the only one who can tease the god in this way and get away with it. Who can call him out on his hypocrisy and still be in his divinely good graces. Tech Boy opens his mouth to respond to the jazz question... then glances into the middle distance over K's shoulder to think about a response. ]
You didn't imagine it, but uh... [ He touches the tip of his nose to K's to make some close eye contact. His tone is teasing in response. ] I can be a brat. [ A smirk. ] I'm sure you haven't noticed with all those detective skills of yours.
[ The little nose bump gets another smile. Yes, he may have noticed Tech Boy's tendency to be contrary and short-tempered and sometimes indelicate with things that can easily wound his android partner. It hasn't always been easy to navigate, with K's own tendency to want to keep those wounds to himself and feeling like a burden when he doesn't (though he's getting better about that, as demonstrated by this very conversation). But: ]
That's who you are. You don't have to change yourself for me, or force yourself to like something that you really don't.
[ Jazz music isn't the only thing on his mind, his smile fading by degrees as he continues dwelling on Tech Boy's earlier confession. But probably not. Tech was the hook. Something about it still bothers him, in a way he just doesn't know how to put into words, but he does take comfort in knowing he's loved for who he is. The same sentiment that he's trying to express to Tech Boy. ]
[ He's glad he can bring a smile to K's face with his nose touching and ridiculousness, but there's clearly something still muddling around in K's mind. Despite their confessions to each other, the tension between them lingers. Tech Boy has suspicions about what that might be, but he's not really all that skilled at navigating another person's emotions, and he doesn't want to assume and fuck things up again. It's much easier to be an asshole and dismissive (his usual approach to everyone he encounters) than to be attentive and caring towards someone. But he's learning. K makes him want to care. A New God learning even newer tricks. Learning to look outside of his own self and be gentle to someone. And allow himself to receive the same gentleness.
And yet, he had messed up somewhere. He hates seeing that faded expression on K's face. ]
I'm not pretending. I won't. I don't have the patience for that. I'm terrible undercover. [ but not under covers ] What you see is what you get. I'm nuanced, but I'm not going to be anything I'm not around you. Open and honest. Promise.
[ Tech Boy inhales slowly, thinking. ]
And I like what I like. No one's ever going to force me to do otherwise. Not even myself. I'll cringe, and I'll bitch. That's who I am. But I won't stick around if I don't really want to be someplace. I won't listen to music that I truly hate. I won't play games I don't enjoy or show vulnerability to someone I don't hold in the highest esteem.
[ Better? Worse? Who knows. But it's the truth. ]
And I'm not going anywhere. You're stuck with me now. You get the whole divine package.
[ K is quiet as he listens, considering what Tech Boy tells him. It helps to clarify his own thoughts and his expression clears a little as he finds the words, though he doesn't look up while he absently pulls at the hem of Tech Boy's outer shirt. ]
It didn't sound like there had to be a hook before you got involved with other people.
[ Regardless of how brief that "involvement" may have been. Tech Boy had made it clear this is his first relationship. Knowledge that K can also take comfort in when insecurities and uncertainties borne of his lived experience plague his thoughts — of not being good enough, of not being able to compare to real people, be they human or god or anyone else with actual autonomy, unlike him. His inexperience, his inadequacies... There's so much. He's especially and uncomfortably aware of the fact he isn't like a human or Tech Boy himself when it comes to some sexual functions; these aren't baseless worries, to him. ]
But you needed one with me.
[ To even want to talk to him. And that's why the admission had hurt, he realises. It confirmed his fears of being inferior to a real person. But that's also at odds with other things Tech Boy has told him... it's all confusing. ]
Tech Boy grows still. So that's what is on K's mind. That's not good. That's not right. No, that's very much the opposite of his intention, but it is a clear explanation for some of the conflict he'd seen on K's face tonight. It's wrong, and it sends a small burst of panic through his mind that he holds so very close to himself. His physical form is completely still as his mind races, trying to find the right way to explain himself. A machine working through a complex, unfamiliar algorithm to its conclusion.
He blinks. He hasn't actually said anything aloud yet to try to comfort K. He sputters a little to get it out as soon as he realizes this new mistake. ]
No.
[ It's all he can think to say at first. Not enough, he knows, so he hastens to not let the pause between words linger. He's practically tripping over his words, speaking quickly. ]
No, that's the opposite. You misunderstand. I don't-- [ He starts. Fails. ] I've never-- [ Again. He takes a deep breath. ]
I didn't "need" one with you. I was blessed with one from you. [ He's frowning now. ] If I'd just wanted to fuck you because you're a pretty face, I would have tried when we were still on that stupid boat. [ Crude, but true. Another deep breath. ] Before I met you, I was alone in a crowded room. Nothing and no one ever tried to connect with me. I didn't want them to. Just some fun and done. They serve a purpose, but they're boring. And slow.
But that night in the sick bay... I'd never met anyone who felt so close to my own essence. I thought you might be another godling at first. Nothing that I hadn't made myself felt like you felt then. Like you still feel now.
[ One of Tech Boy's hands moves to rest gently on the one K is using to play with his hem. ] Like maybe I didn't have to be alone. Get it?
[ At no point during the uncomfortable stretch of silence, false starts, or eventual explanation does K interrupt. It is crude, the blunt way Tech Boy talks about fucking him, but the suggestion has a look of shy amusement flickering across his face — and though he may have declined Tech (Telephone) Boy at the time if such an attempt had been made, the thought of undressing him from that old fashioned suit is doing... things... to K now. Things that can be addressed later. It's been a significant day for quite a few reasons for the both of them, and what better way to commemorate the occasion than by enjoying each other. Giving Tech Boy worship in another way.
There's a slower unraveling of the tension in his posture this time, and as it leaves him he leans into Tech Boy, letting relief and happiness dissolve the rest of his uncertainties. ]
I understand now. [ And he falls quiet again as he takes Tech Boy's hand, not for the first time admiring how finely-boned the god is. A pianist's hands. Hands made for creating. Unlike his own, but that doesn't mean he can't strive to be more than what he was made to be. He knows that now.
More human than human had once been a slogan for earlier Nexus models, the motto of the now defunct Tyrell Corporation. It's always left a bad taste in his mouth and Tech Boy's words have crystalised why. He may be programmed, conditioned, and socialised to see humans as fundamentally superior to himself and his kind, but he doesn't want to be human himself. He doesn't want to be viewed as one or have them used as the metric by which to measure and highlight his every perceived deficiency.
And Tech Boy hasn't ever done that.
The god sees him as someone like himself. Perhaps something of himself. And isn't K possibly even exactly that — his creation, even if indirectly? Living technology and the god of technology certainly share more commonalities with each other than either do with humanity, he thinks, regardless of their origins. And with Tech Boy being what he is, it isn't hard to imagine he finds himself alone even amongst other gods who can't understand how he thinks, how he works. Who probably don't care to understand. But K does.
While all of these thoughts are running through his mind, he intentionally projects them in such a way that Tech Boy will know he's being invited to "listen in" on them, that they're intended to be shared. It's more efficient than trying to find the words to speak them aloud. But— ]
I am yours. Part of you. Aren't I? [ In more than just the sentimental sense; he's also referring to Tech Boy's purview. ] Humanity expects my kind to revere them as gods... [ He finally raises his eyes from Tech Boy's hand to his face, regarding him with a solemn, searching look. It softens as he smiles. ] You're my god.
[ And so much more than that, but he trusts Tech Boy already has a good idea of the depth of his feelings now. ]
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brandnewtech) wrote2019-09-29 05:00 am
no subject
I mean it sincerely.
Just in case there was any truth behind Tech Boy's teasing. Eventually K draws back enough to speak aloud, while carefully working his unoccupied hand past the layers of Tech Boy's shirts to press warm against his chest, skin to skin. ]
What is it like? Being... reborn? [ For lack of a better term. "Upgraded" doesn't sound quite right, even though it's the term Tech Boy himself has used when speaking about his evolution. It just doesn't adequately encompass how remarkable all of this feels to K.
To be born is to have a soul... ]
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Souls don't work the same way with gods, but he knows the "rebirth" feeling that comes with the upgrade. His brow furrows in thought. He's never had to put words to it before, never been asked to explain it. Media only knew because she'd done the same. But even among the New Gods, this sort of thing is rare. Usually, gods just die when they outlive their usefulness.
Or get forcefully retired. Whatever. ]
It's hard to explain. I want to tell you, but I don't really know how. [ Tech Boy is frowning in thought now, but he steals another kiss as he contemplates the words. ] It's like. Legos. Little building blocks that used to be configured in one way but now they look like another. Ones and zeroes falling into new patterns that no one's ever thought of before but they're, like, my ones and zeroes. It shatters in the process, but it all comes back together.
[ He stammers a little, because it's not that simple, and he doesn't know if that makes any sense anyway. ] S-sure there's new code in there. What good is an upgrade if you're not changing something for the better?
[ Tech Boy's memory is long, so he does remember changing throughout the years. It definitely got more painful every time. Broken into smaller bits. Into bits. Ones and zeroes. Does K want to hear about how much it hurts? It's better to talk about how beautiful the reconstruction is. ]
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And if Tech Boy has ever wondered why K tends to prefer romanticism and still hopes for a future together, despite the odds being very much against them, that would be why. Because it's nearly the only thing that makes what awaits him in his homeworld worth enduring. ]
There's new code, but you're still you. I think I understand. But why the disdain for who you used to be? [ Because he remembers how embarrassed Tech Boy had seemed when explaining his previous incarnation as the Telephone Boy. Not to mention: ] And the disdain for older things in general, like jazz music? [ Though his tone is a little teasing there, he is curious. ] But not classical music, despite it being even older.
One day maybe I'll be old technology, if I can survive that long. I hope you won't trade me in for an upgraded model because you're embarrassed of me. [ The sentiment is punctuated with a kiss as he strokes what he can reach of Tech Boy's skin, and he clearly isn't entirely serious, but he also isn't entirely joking, either.
Little does he know (yet), the Nexus line is very unlikely to ever progress beyond his model. ]
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[ The question about music causes him to incline his head slightly away from K and back to the piano keys. He reaches out to pick out a few notes on the instrument. ] This iteration was built from classical music. I have no choice. Run it through audio editing software--[ He taps his finger on the tablet to illustrate his point, and it gives a notification beep in response to his attention. ]--and it brings the music to my level. Makes it New. [ pronounced with an audible capital letter. ]
Jazz can be New if it wants to. It just doesn't. [ Not the best follow up, but it's all he has for the moment. ] And if jazz doesn't want me, I don't want it either. [ But he considers, putting visible thought into it. ] There are, of course, exceptions. For the right reasons.
[ He turns his full attention back to K, taking his face lightly with both hands. ] You will never be old tech to me. There is no other model for me other than you. No other person for me other than you.
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But he can understand to some extent. Tech Boy must be bound to his preferences just as much as K is bound to his programming. It's who he is, as he said. Intrinsically.
And that's why, despite the reassurance, K's frowning to himself as he withdraws his hands and clasps them together in his lap, staring down at them. The reassurance seems to contradict everything else Tech Boy explained. ]
How do you know you won't feel differently once you've experienced technology more advanced than me? [ Because surprise, he still struggles to even think of himself as a person. He's just gotten better at not talking about it. ] Once I'm not New.
If I were anything other than what I am, would you have even given me the time of day back in the ship's hospital? ...Would any of this have happened?
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Tech Boy's relationship with music is a lot more complicated than he's letting on. Something something he needs the intelligent design present in a human or a complex AI to give it power and meaning because if a computer program writes it he may as well just do it himself and where's the fun in that something something, etc. But he can't read K's mind, and the spoken fear takes priority.
Concern overwrites any other emotion on his face. Hesitantly, he reaches out to place on hand over K's.
He opens his mouth to speak, closes it, frowns, then tries again. ]
It's not like that. You asked why I hate myself. Or the old versions of myself anyway. The--[ searching for the word ]--burden that humanity puts on me as a god is not something I'll ever demand from you. Fuck, I wouldn't even wish it on my enemies. If I fall behind, I'm toast. If I'm out-of-date and obsolete, I'm as good as dead. Or worse. Might as well play my fucking funeral song instead of my creation song.
[ He ducks his head to try and find eye contact with K. ] I don't feel the way I do about you because you're New. I fell in love with you because you're you. Would I have given you the time of day a hundred tears ago in the hospital of the Titanic were you not what you are? You're handsome, no doubt, but probably not. Sure, tech was the hook. But I stuck around because of who you are, not what you are. You will always be shiny and new to me. There's no replacing you. You're not an iPhone, no matter what those assholes back in your home world kept trying to tell you. Not to me.
[ He bends to kiss K's folded hands. Is he fucking this up? He really doesn't want to fuck this up. ]
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But probably not. Tech was the hook.
He'll never fault the god for honesty because he values it so highly, and he did ask. But he also can't deny the sting caused by the words, that reinforces what he already knew: good things don't happen without some pain being involved. Though he wishes it could be otherwise, sometimes. Especially right now.
Well. Being told it's only the fact he's an android that there was any initial interest isn't the worst thing, despite his conflicted feelings about it. In fact, it might be the only time being an android has led to anything good, for him. Maybe he's framing this the wrong way. Again. But he's smiling as he watches Tech Boy lean down to kiss his hands, and reaches to lightly touch his face afterward, cupping his jaw. Whenever K withdraws, it's never meant to shut Tech Boy out. ]
I also asked why you disdain older things in general. [ It's only pointed out because that's where a lot of his worries stemmed from. ] But I'm glad it isn't like that between us... except maybe when it comes to my music preferences. [ It's an attempt at levity, then something a little more serious as he still wonders about the role of software in all of this. ] And my playing?
[ A long pause follows while he searches Tech Boy's face. Is that what this is? he wants to ask, but even as the thought forms in his mind, he already knows the answer with a level of certainty he doesn't often experience when it comes to emotions. This isn't a new development, only the words are. Words that he finds himself returning without hesitation. ]
I love you for the very same reason.
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Besides. Something very significant had just happened. Something he hadn't consciously intended, but he'd finally spoken the word that had been on his mind for some time now. He doesn't regret saying it. Not in the slightest. It's the truth. More true than if he'd taken the time to overthink it. More than simply fondness or physical attraction or curiosity or protection or companionship. Love/. It's all those other things too. But one word carries a lot of power.
And K had said it back.
Tech Boy lets out a slow breath. Anything else he'd been about to say is pushed aside for the moment. He needs to be kissing K, his love, right now. The rest of it will have to wait for a few minutes. He'll respond to K's question about his playing, mentally indicating his receipt of the question so K knows he won't forget, but first. This.
Practically hopping into K's lap to straddle him, holding onto his strong shoulders for physical and mental balance, it is Tech Boy's intention to kiss K thoroughly, deeply, definitively. ]
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That he isn't going to become disposable to Tech Boy wasn't his only takeaway from what was shared. And he isn't in a rush to end the kiss, but he does have more he wants to say. While he's speaking, he continues intermittently pressing light kisses to Tech Boy's face, still holding onto him. ]
I can understand your burden. Not the full extent of what it must be like, feeling the weight of that from all of humanity, but...
One wrong answer, one wrong emotion. That's all it takes. [ The baseline tests. Tech Boy isn't alone in being held to inhumanly high, unforgiving standards. ] If I'm found to be defective by those who own me, that's it for me. I'm sorry you have to carry an even heavier burden.
[ It's a bitter irony that the very humans who enslave K and his kind are also Tech Boy's worshipers as a direct result of it. Would even K's own retirement benefit Tech Boy in a divine capacity? At least it wouldn't be a complete waste then. ]
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If anyone calls you defective, I will fucking kill them. [ That may be true in K's homeworld, but the god's not going to let that bullshit fly anymore. No as long as he can help it. ] No one gets to take your life like that. To take you away from me.
[ The comments about the god's heavy burden go unremarked upon for the moment, overwritten by his anger at the humans who might retire K because he's slowly evolving beyond his original programming. A beautiful, complex man beyond what the Technical Boy could have hoped for in his own lifetime.
He kisses K again, fiercely protective and fired up with so many strong emotions of the last few minutes. ]
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Fear lends a desperate edge to their kiss, and that in itself is a revelation — he's never feared for his own life before. Dying either in the line of duty or by his handler's order was something he used to accept as an inevitability, as he was programmed to. But not now. And he's reminded of their tense conversation all those months ago, about the possibility of Tech Boy altering his programming for him... ]
I don't want to go back. Not alone. [ He murmurs as he leans their foreheads together, reaching up with one hand but hesitating. He's gotten used to being able to play with Tech Boy's hair in those instances where it's loose, but he's careful not to muss it otherwise. His hand comes to rest on Tech Boy's neck instead, mirroring his own gesture. ] I want to be wherever you are. And help you. However I can... to make that burden more bearable.
[ Hard to say whether his homeworld would necessarily be ideal for Tech Boy, either, but if they don't have a choice? K can accept anywhere, as long as they're still together. Tech Boy had once said his own world rejected him. And if that means what K assumes it does: ] To keep you alive, too.
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They're both in precarious positions in their respective homeworlds, but. But if they can find a way to stay together.... Would that be too much to ask from such a cruel dream world? To wake from a nightmare and find their physical selves still together? (More likely than you'd think!) ]
You make everything more bearable. This place [ indicating Deerington ] and this place. [ He draws one hand back for a moment to use a finger to tap himself on the forehead. ]
I got so used to being alone, but I never want to go back to that. [ He smiles softly. ] I know you'll protect me. And I'll do the same for you. You have a god's blessing.
[ Tech Boy threads his fingers behind K's neck again, leaning back a little to look at him, that same rare soft smile on his lips. Without forming the conscious word for it, "mine" is the impression. And "yours." ]
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You won't have to be alone anymore. [ The words are murmured against his throat as K bows his head, and followed by light kisses trailed along his skin. ] A god's blessing. What does that mean?
[ And he's still curious about his prior question, but one thing at a time. ]
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[ He shifts a little, still holding onto K protectively. For as soft as Tech Boy can be on occasion, his excitement is volatile. The urge to do something to remedy their current situations and that of their homeworlds is at the front of his mind. Not that there's shit he can do about any of it from the dream world of Deerington. ]
I don't have the juice here. Yet. I'll get it back somehow. But it's a promise you can count on.
[ Any actual acknowledgement of his limitations (rare, but for K's eyes only) always takes a bit of the fire out of him, and the god's temperament is visibly calming down. He unthreads his fingers to place one hand on K's chest. ]
You're a blessing yourself, you know.
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Not that I don't appreciate it... [ He reaches down and covers the hand laid against his chest. ] But I need you to be safe. No taking foolish risks on my behalf. [ A pointed pause. ] No taking foolish risks. [ Full-stop. Even though he knows it's inevitable, in this place; he still wants Tech Boy to at least try and be careful. ] I don't want a repeat of Rapture, we can figure things out together now. Can't we?
[ And he does miss Sweeney's friendship, but can't help thinking it's better for Tech Boy, not having someone always goading him toward destructive behaviour like that. (Though a part of K had always held out hope the two might learn to work together.) ]
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Okay, fine, I won't anymore. Since you asked. No repeats of Rapture. Promise. We'll do this together and watch each other's backs. Keeping us both safe. To spend our inhumanly long lives together no matter what comes our way.
But. [ He taps his index finger. Not trying to free his hand, just making a point. ] If something does happen--quite by accident and not because I did something stupid--you can play for me and nurse me back to health. I leave myself to your tender mercies, like I do for no one else.
Will you? [ He leans in for another kiss, softly this time. ] Play for me?
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[ And needless to say, he'll do so to the best of his abilities regardless of the circumstances. He just wishes the promise could have been real. The kiss is nice, though, and he returns it in lieu of saying anything more for a few moments.
And that request brings them back around to the prior topic that was put on hold. He lightly runs his thumb along Tech Boy's knuckles. ]
You never did answer my other question. About my playing... and how you can't stand most of the music that I like. [ He offers a slight smile. ] I don't intend to torment you. I'll play for you, but only the things I know you'll like.
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I know you're serious. So am I. I mean it. I'll be more careful. It's just that sometimes this place--every place, really--sometimes it has other ideas. But I promise I'm not going to do it to myself on purpose. I'm enough of a handful [ and lapful ] without making you worry about me running off into danger. Not even a very big fan of it. Danger.
But I'm a big fan of yours. So I promise. Hold me to it.
[ At the music question, he lifts one eyebrow and gives a smile that mirrors the one K now wears. ] I'll tell you a secret about that. [ He pauses, picking through his words. ] It's not torment. I love that you love music. And I used to--a hundred years ago--listen to all that stuff. But when electronic music created me and I created it, there's a bond. Undeniable. I no longer need the old stuff, even for amusement, because the new stuff is a part of me. And I'm in it. In a way, anyway. [ He shifts a little, physically comfortable but mentally well and truly off balance. ]
When you play, you can play me anything. I'll cherish it. You are where my heart is. You make it new. For me.
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I know being careful isn't always enough, but as long as you're trying. And willing to let me help you. As long as you'll always do your best to come back to me.
[ Because I can't lose you.
The shifting makes him look back up. ]
Are you saying I only imagined jazz music making you cringe? [ His tone is teasing, a bit cautiously so following his prior misunderstanding. It's still hard to imagine Tech Boy actually enjoying being serenaded with ancient jazz, or non-electronic music in general other than classical, but his words — and validation — have K smiling even more now. ] You could share more of the music that you like, too.
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It's hard to ask for help. Hard to be vulnerable. Physically. Mentally. [ It bears repeating. ] But I trust you. Only you. I put myself in your care, and I'll always come back for you.
[ Neither of us is losing the other. Not if I have any say in the matter.
K really is special because he's the only one who can tease the god in this way and get away with it. Who can call him out on his hypocrisy and still be in his divinely good graces. Tech Boy opens his mouth to respond to the jazz question... then glances into the middle distance over K's shoulder to think about a response. ]
You didn't imagine it, but uh... [ He touches the tip of his nose to K's to make some close eye contact. His tone is teasing in response. ] I can be a brat. [ A smirk. ] I'm sure you haven't noticed with all those detective skills of yours.
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That's who you are. You don't have to change yourself for me, or force yourself to like something that you really don't.
[ Jazz music isn't the only thing on his mind, his smile fading by degrees as he continues dwelling on Tech Boy's earlier confession. But probably not. Tech was the hook. Something about it still bothers him, in a way he just doesn't know how to put into words, but he does take comfort in knowing he's loved for who he is. The same sentiment that he's trying to express to Tech Boy. ]
You don't have to pretend with me. Or— for me.
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And yet, he had messed up somewhere. He hates seeing that faded expression on K's face. ]
I'm not pretending. I won't. I don't have the patience for that. I'm terrible undercover. [ but not under covers ] What you see is what you get. I'm nuanced, but I'm not going to be anything I'm not around you. Open and honest. Promise.
[ Tech Boy inhales slowly, thinking. ]
And I like what I like. No one's ever going to force me to do otherwise. Not even myself. I'll cringe, and I'll bitch. That's who I am. But I won't stick around if I don't really want to be someplace. I won't listen to music that I truly hate. I won't play games I don't enjoy or show vulnerability to someone I don't hold in the highest esteem.
[ Better? Worse? Who knows. But it's the truth. ]
And I'm not going anywhere. You're stuck with me now. You get the whole divine package.
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It didn't sound like there had to be a hook before you got involved with other people.
[ Regardless of how brief that "involvement" may have been. Tech Boy had made it clear this is his first relationship. Knowledge that K can also take comfort in when insecurities and uncertainties borne of his lived experience plague his thoughts — of not being good enough, of not being able to compare to real people, be they human or god or anyone else with actual autonomy, unlike him. His inexperience, his inadequacies... There's so much. He's especially and uncomfortably aware of the fact he isn't like a human or Tech Boy himself when it comes to some sexual functions; these aren't baseless worries, to him. ]
But you needed one with me.
[ To even want to talk to him. And that's why the admission had hurt, he realises. It confirmed his fears of being inferior to a real person. But that's also at odds with other things Tech Boy has told him... it's all confusing. ]
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Tech Boy grows still. So that's what is on K's mind. That's not good. That's not right. No, that's very much the opposite of his intention, but it is a clear explanation for some of the conflict he'd seen on K's face tonight. It's wrong, and it sends a small burst of panic through his mind that he holds so very close to himself. His physical form is completely still as his mind races, trying to find the right way to explain himself. A machine working through a complex, unfamiliar algorithm to its conclusion.
He blinks. He hasn't actually said anything aloud yet to try to comfort K. He sputters a little to get it out as soon as he realizes this new mistake. ]
No.
[ It's all he can think to say at first. Not enough, he knows, so he hastens to not let the pause between words linger. He's practically tripping over his words, speaking quickly. ]
No, that's the opposite. You misunderstand. I don't-- [ He starts. Fails. ] I've never-- [ Again. He takes a deep breath. ]
I didn't "need" one with you. I was blessed with one from you. [ He's frowning now. ] If I'd just wanted to fuck you because you're a pretty face, I would have tried when we were still on that stupid boat. [ Crude, but true. Another deep breath. ] Before I met you, I was alone in a crowded room. Nothing and no one ever tried to connect with me. I didn't want them to. Just some fun and done. They serve a purpose, but they're boring. And slow.
But that night in the sick bay... I'd never met anyone who felt so close to my own essence. I thought you might be another godling at first. Nothing that I hadn't made myself felt like you felt then. Like you still feel now.
[ One of Tech Boy's hands moves to rest gently on the one K is using to play with his hem. ] Like maybe I didn't have to be alone. Get it?
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There's a slower unraveling of the tension in his posture this time, and as it leaves him he leans into Tech Boy, letting relief and happiness dissolve the rest of his uncertainties. ]
I understand now. [ And he falls quiet again as he takes Tech Boy's hand, not for the first time admiring how finely-boned the god is. A pianist's hands. Hands made for creating. Unlike his own, but that doesn't mean he can't strive to be more than what he was made to be. He knows that now.
More human than human had once been a slogan for earlier Nexus models, the motto of the now defunct Tyrell Corporation. It's always left a bad taste in his mouth and Tech Boy's words have crystalised why. He may be programmed, conditioned, and socialised to see humans as fundamentally superior to himself and his kind, but he doesn't want to be human himself. He doesn't want to be viewed as one or have them used as the metric by which to measure and highlight his every perceived deficiency.
And Tech Boy hasn't ever done that.
The god sees him as someone like himself. Perhaps something of himself. And isn't K possibly even exactly that — his creation, even if indirectly? Living technology and the god of technology certainly share more commonalities with each other than either do with humanity, he thinks, regardless of their origins. And with Tech Boy being what he is, it isn't hard to imagine he finds himself alone even amongst other gods who can't understand how he thinks, how he works. Who probably don't care to understand. But K does.
While all of these thoughts are running through his mind, he intentionally projects them in such a way that Tech Boy will know he's being invited to "listen in" on them, that they're intended to be shared. It's more efficient than trying to find the words to speak them aloud. But— ]
I am yours. Part of you. Aren't I? [ In more than just the sentimental sense; he's also referring to Tech Boy's purview. ] Humanity expects my kind to revere them as gods... [ He finally raises his eyes from Tech Boy's hand to his face, regarding him with a solemn, searching look. It softens as he smiles. ] You're my god.
[ And so much more than that, but he trusts Tech Boy already has a good idea of the depth of his feelings now. ]
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