[ In his surprise K misses the perfect opportunity to exaggerate that into innuendo. And maybe it isn't the time for it, he thinks afterward, as he slips his arms fully around Tech Boy's waist, sensing his mood and wondering at it. Could be that this algorithm is even more important to him than he'd let on? It's something.
His thought to lift Tech Boy and carry him to the couch — or maybe his bedroom — is telegraphed in the way his arms briefly tighten, but he holds off acting on it. It runs the risk of ruining this moment with embarrassment, which he'd rather not. And he doesn't mind staying exactly as they are. ]
Is that all you need? [ He asks while leaning his cheek against Tech Boy's hair, taking some care to not muss it this time. He isn't referring to the length of time. If Tech Boy decides he just wants to be held for a while, K's only too happy to oblige; if he had his way, he'd get to do it a lot more often. ]
[ The composition algorithm is extremely important to the god, and that's definitely more than he'd let on. Although the god had been around in one form or another for years, the music he's about to show K is equivalent to his birth. His innermost song. And he's sharing it with K with intention, just like worship.
No embarrassment in the desire for desire, but this is a different sort of intimacy--one he doesn't share with anyone--and he wants it to last. He drags his fingernails lightly over K's skin again, and that's his answer. There will be time for the bedroom later, but first, this. ]
For now. Yes.
[ After a long moment, with reluctance, he pulls away and smiles. ] Let's make beautiful music together.
[ Sensing that he may be out of his depth, and always scared that he'll be found lacking in some way that a person with full autonomy and free will wouldn't be, he'll play it safe by continuing to take his cues from Tech Boy. And hoping he doesn't mess this up, because it's increasingly obvious that this is something significant. Special. Maybe too special to be wasted on him... but that isn't really his own thought, it's the nagging voice of human cruelty that's always trying to convince him he's nothing. And he'll be damned if he's going to let it ruin this for them.
Nodding, K lets go of him to take his hands instead, pulling him toward the piano with a curious look. ]
[ Even though tech Boy had pulled away first, he still makes a small sound of disappointment when K lets him go. Due to no deficiency on K's part and entirely due to the god's own insecurity, he's starting to wonder if this is such a good idea. Sure they can talk about all the shit they've been though and opening up about feelings and vulnerabilities-- but this is something else entirely. What if a god's song doesn't impress someone from his future? It could become elevator music by 2049, who knows???
But he trusts K. And so he lets himself be led to the piano, stopping briefly to retrieve the tablet he'd so carelessly tossed aside. There's a program on here he needs. One that somehow carried over into this dreamworld without being corrupted or altered. Small favors.
Sitting on the piano bench, he turns his attention away from K to pull up a saved file on in simple composition software... and a metronome app, which he sets in motion first. He stares at it for a handful of seconds, listening wordlessly to the ticking. ]
You ever see that thing that humans do where they show baby pictures of their kids to strangers? It's fucking weird.
[ He hands the tablet to K, pointing out the notated score written in the program. ] But that's it. Right there. My most recent hardware upgrade. 1987. Baby pictures.
[ He turns and readies himself so he can rest his hands on the piano keys. After a moment, he steals a quick kiss. ] Can't waste any time or I'll chicken out. Hit "start" when you're ready.
Good thing I'm not a stranger, so this isn't weird. [ It's a gently teasing remark as he joins Tech Boy on the piano bench, taking care not to crowd him or get in the way, so he'll have access to the full span of the keys. But K does slip an arm around Tech Boy's waist to loosely hold onto him, hoping the gesture might provide comfort and help ease his nerves.
He spends a few moments studying the digital sheet music with interest, trying to imagine how it sounds. 1987. Baby pictures. There's a joke to be made about how baby-faced he still looks despite his "age", but for now K is opting to treat this experience with the gravity he feels it warrants. He'll be an attentive audience or a supportive partner, or both, depending on what will be asked of him here.
The kiss surprises a smile from him and he regards Tech Boy with a soft, unguarded look for the span of several ticks of the metronome, before starting the program. This is it. ]
[ Tech Boy can feel the program engage the instant before the touch from K's finger registers on the screen. It's such a peculiar sensation because it feel like it's been so very long since the last time this particular composition algorithm had been run. It's familiar, maybe a bit too familiar, and there is a lightning-brief pang of... fear?... that surges though him for a moment.
But he can feel K's touch on his waist. He knows that K is sitting next to him and won't abandon him like the person who originally wrote this program.
The program on the tablet plays Bach. Tech Boy plays along, smoothly and elegantly. One song transitions into another, and the god closes his eyes, following the song and adding the occasional little embellishments of his own. This happens a few more times. A calibration. Syncing the music to the deity. It's foundational. Creation music.
The song ends, and there's a pause for a few seconds. The metronome ticks. Tech Boy shift a little to feel more of K's arm where it rests against him, eyes still closed. He takes a breath... and another song begins. Tech Boy almost seems to blur a little at the edges as he plays along with the first few notes. The piano almost seems to pick up the digital sound from the program, and it doesn't take long for it to become impossible to tell what notes are played by the piano and which are from the tablet. It blends, because Tech Boy is manipulating the composition program as he plays the traditional instrument alongside it.
He's completely absorbed while the song plays, his body taking on a bit of a shimmer. But it fades as the song ends, the metronome clicks off, and Tech Boy allows his hands to slide from the piano keys to rest in his lap. He doesn't move for a moment. ]
[ K recognises the first several songs that play: Bach. Knows them well enough to discern the complementary embellishments that are being woven into them. The purpose of this isn't immediately obvious to him, but he maintains his silence, observing and listening. Appreciating the significance of what's being shared with him, which is only made all the clearer by Tech Boy's focus.
Something is happening.
Not only is this a composition he's never heard before, but it seems to be affecting Tech Boy's physical form. It takes effort to suppress how startled he is that first time Tech Boy blurs (something which he can also, oddly enough, feel), but soon he's caught up in the song himself; it sounds remarkably like Bach, but ... more, somehow. Perhaps made better by the lack of direct human involvement, perfected in the way only a machine could. Though he might be biased.
K hasn't moved since starting the program and remains still even once it's concluded. At length he looks up from Tech Boy's hands to his face, studying him, before speaking quietly. ]
[ Tech Boy has his eyes closed, and the rest of his body remains still in the way only a non-organic being can be. He can feel K's eyes on him like a physical touch, but he doesn't move until the quiet sound of K's voice rouses him from his reverie. Blinking his eyes open, he takes the time to refocus.
He gently rests one hand on K's leg, holding onto him with an unusually soft touch, and rests this way for a handful of seconds more. Eventually, he looks to meet K's gaze. Tech Boy's eyes faintly glow an antique green from somewhere inside. ]
I have an origin. JS Bach. A program. A file name. The devotion of the young man who write it. Creation. Theogenesis.
[ He smiles faintly, and the expression is almost shy. Or maybe it's humility. A different sort of vulnerability that has him buzzing like a charged wire. ]
And you're the only person who's heard it in nearly 30 years. Seems like a lifetime ago.
[ He isn't sure if Tech Boy's response is meant to contradict or expand on what he said, but his desire to ask for clarification is mitigated by the knowledge that names don't seem to hold the same significance to the god. That he trusted K with something so personal, and the first thing he had to say about it was that... maybe it was self-centered, framing the experience in that manner?
Returning the faint smile with an encouraging one of his own, he tries again. ]
Thank you. [ Setting the tablet aside, he reaches to cover Tech Boy's hand with his. ] It's beautiful. [ There's a delicate sense of deference, the way he engages their connection and maintains the contact without words, the mental equivalent of taking Tech Boy's hand.
Then he closes the small distance between them and brushes a kiss to the corner of Tech Boy's mouth, warm and lingering.
[ Flattery, flattery. His tone, even mentally, is playfully dismissive, but it clearly and visibly does the god good for hearing it.
Although the shimmer effect of the music has faded, he becomes a bit more solid under K's touch. More real, more human(?) and less ethereal. The glow in his eyes dim, replaced by a expression akin to longing. He turns his hand to thread his fingers loosely between K's, caressing them softly for a long moment before withdrawing his hand with some obvious reluctance. But he needs it elsewhere.
He turns into the lingering kiss, giving K his full attention now. Placing his fingers gently on the curve of K's jaw, Tech Boy kisses him slowly. Softly at first, taking his time to really feel and enjoy the sensation of their mouths pressed together. He inhales slowly, eyes closing to slits, not wanting to let K out of his sight but still too overcome and content to keep them open.
[ More real is good. The kiss is even better. And K knows something about the raw feeling of being exposed in the wake of vulnerability like this, knowledge that has him tightening his arm around Tech Boy and deepening the kiss with a sigh, happy to get lost in the sensation with him. There's a hint of teeth against his bottom lip in response to his prior dismissive tone, though.
I mean it sincerely.
Just in case there was any truth behind Tech Boy's teasing. Eventually K draws back enough to speak aloud, while carefully working his unoccupied hand past the layers of Tech Boy's shirts to press warm against his chest, skin to skin. ]
What is it like? Being... reborn? [ For lack of a better term. "Upgraded" doesn't sound quite right, even though it's the term Tech Boy himself has used when speaking about his evolution. It just doesn't adequately encompass how remarkable all of this feels to K.
[ Mmmmm teeth are good. He smiles with a hint of mischief as K pulls away a little to speak. He's content. Pleased with the reverence and with K's hand against his skin. He feels a bit high on the sensations of the moment, but the gravity of K's question keeps him grounded.
Souls don't work the same way with gods, but he knows the "rebirth" feeling that comes with the upgrade. His brow furrows in thought. He's never had to put words to it before, never been asked to explain it. Media only knew because she'd done the same. But even among the New Gods, this sort of thing is rare. Usually, gods just die when they outlive their usefulness.
Or get forcefully retired. Whatever. ]
It's hard to explain. I want to tell you, but I don't really know how. [ Tech Boy is frowning in thought now, but he steals another kiss as he contemplates the words. ] It's like. Legos. Little building blocks that used to be configured in one way but now they look like another. Ones and zeroes falling into new patterns that no one's ever thought of before but they're, like, my ones and zeroes. It shatters in the process, but it all comes back together.
[ He stammers a little, because it's not that simple, and he doesn't know if that makes any sense anyway. ] S-sure there's new code in there. What good is an upgrade if you're not changing something for the better?
[ Tech Boy's memory is long, so he does remember changing throughout the years. It definitely got more painful every time. Broken into smaller bits. Into bits. Ones and zeroes. Does K want to hear about how much it hurts? It's better to talk about how beautiful the reconstruction is. ]
[ That it most likely hurts is a foregone conclusion in K's mind, because his own lived experience has driven home one lesson definitively: life is pain, in every sense. Amid the pain are these fleeting moments of something better, if you're lucky, and hopefully they're enough to make the difficult parts worth enduring.
And if Tech Boy has ever wondered why K tends to prefer romanticism and still hopes for a future together, despite the odds being very much against them, that would be why. Because it's nearly the only thing that makes what awaits him in his homeworld worth enduring. ]
There's new code, but you're still you. I think I understand. But why the disdain for who you used to be? [ Because he remembers how embarrassed Tech Boy had seemed when explaining his previous incarnation as the Telephone Boy. Not to mention: ] And the disdain for older things in general, like jazz music? [ Though his tone is a little teasing there, he is curious. ] But not classical music, despite it being even older.
One day maybe I'll be old technology, if I can survive that long. I hope you won't trade me in for an upgraded model because you're embarrassed of me. [ The sentiment is punctuated with a kiss as he strokes what he can reach of Tech Boy's skin, and he clearly isn't entirely serious, but he also isn't entirely joking, either.
Little does he know (yet), the Nexus line is very unlikely to ever progress beyond his model. ]
People. [ His answer comes quickly. ] I'm the God of Technology and nobody likes crusty, old, recirculated, boring ideas coming from a technology god. It's the cutting edge or nothing at all. It's who I am. Intrinsically. The newest, shiniest thing. I disdain my past versions for the same reason people upgrade their iPhones when they one they own is only 4 months old. The drive. To be the best.
[ The question about music causes him to incline his head slightly away from K and back to the piano keys. He reaches out to pick out a few notes on the instrument. ] This iteration was built from classical music. I have no choice. Run it through audio editing software--[ He taps his finger on the tablet to illustrate his point, and it gives a notification beep in response to his attention. ]--and it brings the music to my level. Makes it New. [ pronounced with an audible capital letter. ]
Jazz can be New if it wants to. It just doesn't. [ Not the best follow up, but it's all he has for the moment. ] And if jazz doesn't want me, I don't want it either. [ But he considers, putting visible thought into it. ] There are, of course, exceptions. For the right reasons.
[ He turns his full attention back to K, taking his face lightly with both hands. ] You will never be old tech to me. There is no other model for me other than you. No other person for me other than you.
Edited (changed the wording a bit) 2020-08-28 23:05 (UTC)
[ It's with a sinking feeling that K realises he's probably been going about it wrong from the start, then, in thinking Tech Boy enjoys his playing on traditional instruments. But he lacks access to any sort of audio editing software himself, and what would be the point? To edit out his presence in the music and make it sound like something completely different? Might as well just let a program play the music.
But he can understand to some extent. Tech Boy must be bound to his preferences just as much as K is bound to his programming. It's who he is, as he said. Intrinsically.
And that's why, despite the reassurance, K's frowning to himself as he withdraws his hands and clasps them together in his lap, staring down at them. The reassurance seems to contradict everything else Tech Boy explained. ]
How do you know you won't feel differently once you've experienced technology more advanced than me? [ Because surprise, he still struggles to even think of himself as a person. He's just gotten better at not talking about it. ] Once I'm not New.
If I were anything other than what I am, would you have even given me the time of day back in the ship's hospital? ...Would any of this have happened?
[ As K withdraws, Tech Boy turns his hands palms up in an expression somewhere between supplication and a shrug. This is why he finds explaining the nature of his godhood so frustrating. It's bizarre even to other gods. It's hard to put in the right words. And whatever is going on in K's mind right now and put the god solidly on the wrong foot. Again.
Tech Boy's relationship with music is a lot more complicated than he's letting on. Something something he needs the intelligent design present in a human or a complex AI to give it power and meaning because if a computer program writes it he may as well just do it himself and where's the fun in that something something, etc. But he can't read K's mind, and the spoken fear takes priority.
Concern overwrites any other emotion on his face. Hesitantly, he reaches out to place on hand over K's.
He opens his mouth to speak, closes it, frowns, then tries again. ]
It's not like that. You asked why I hate myself. Or the old versions of myself anyway. The--[ searching for the word ]--burden that humanity puts on me as a god is not something I'll ever demand from you. Fuck, I wouldn't even wish it on my enemies. If I fall behind, I'm toast. If I'm out-of-date and obsolete, I'm as good as dead. Or worse. Might as well play my fucking funeral song instead of my creation song.
[ He ducks his head to try and find eye contact with K. ] I don't feel the way I do about you because you're New. I fell in love with you because you're you. Would I have given you the time of day a hundred tears ago in the hospital of the Titanic were you not what you are? You're handsome, no doubt, but probably not. Sure, tech was the hook. But I stuck around because of who you are, not what you are. You will always be shiny and new to me. There's no replacing you. You're not an iPhone, no matter what those assholes back in your home world kept trying to tell you. Not to me.
[ He bends to kiss K's folded hands. Is he fucking this up? He really doesn't want to fuck this up. ]
[ The sudden jolt of shocked, confused elation K feels at Tech Boy putting his feelings into words is deflated ever so slightly by the rest of the truth he couches them in.
But probably not. Tech was the hook.
He'll never fault the god for honesty because he values it so highly, and he did ask. But he also can't deny the sting caused by the words, that reinforces what he already knew: good things don't happen without some pain being involved. Though he wishes it could be otherwise, sometimes. Especially right now.
Well. Being told it's only the fact he's an android that there was any initial interest isn't the worst thing, despite his conflicted feelings about it. In fact, it might be the only time being an android has led to anything good, for him. Maybe he's framing this the wrong way. Again. But he's smiling as he watches Tech Boy lean down to kiss his hands, and reaches to lightly touch his face afterward, cupping his jaw. Whenever K withdraws, it's never meant to shut Tech Boy out. ]
I also asked why you disdain older things in general. [ It's only pointed out because that's where a lot of his worries stemmed from. ] But I'm glad it isn't like that between us... except maybe when it comes to my music preferences. [ It's an attempt at levity, then something a little more serious as he still wonders about the role of software in all of this. ] And my playing?
[ A long pause follows while he searches Tech Boy's face. Is that what this is? he wants to ask, but even as the thought forms in his mind, he already knows the answer with a level of certainty he doesn't often experience when it comes to emotions. This isn't a new development, only the words are. Words that he finds himself returning without hesitation. ]
[ Tech Boy had told the truth about his initial attraction to K despite knowing how much K struggles with his android identity in relation to his place in the world. Mentally, he can sense that turmoil even now. The remark is meant in great esteem. Catching the god's interest in such a fashion is rare, maybe even unheard of. Humans are short-lived, short-sighted, predictable, and boring--as were all his dalliances with them. The fact that there had even been the opportunity for them to get this close is exceptional. Because he can't immediately think of a way to comment on this framed in any way that might be reassuring to K at this moment, he files the observation for later.
Besides. Something very significant had just happened. Something he hadn't consciously intended, but he'd finally spoken the word that had been on his mind for some time now. He doesn't regret saying it. Not in the slightest. It's the truth. More true than if he'd taken the time to overthink it. More than simply fondness or physical attraction or curiosity or protection or companionship. Love/. It's all those other things too. But one word carries a lot of power.
And K had said it back.
Tech Boy lets out a slow breath. Anything else he'd been about to say is pushed aside for the moment. He needs to be kissing K, his love, right now. The rest of it will have to wait for a few minutes. He'll respond to K's question about his playing, mentally indicating his receipt of the question so K knows he won't forget, but first. This.
Practically hopping into K's lap to straddle him, holding onto his strong shoulders for physical and mental balance, it is Tech Boy's intention to kiss K thoroughly, deeply, definitively. ]
[ Suddenly finding himself in possession of a lap full of god gets a quiet laugh from K as he winds his arms around Tech Boy, holding him steady so neither of them slip off the piano bench. His desire for a kiss is eagerly met and the intensity of it manages to catch K by surprise, even after all this time, and the countless others they've shared. This one feels singularly special, and for good reason.
That he isn't going to become disposable to Tech Boy wasn't his only takeaway from what was shared. And he isn't in a rush to end the kiss, but he does have more he wants to say. While he's speaking, he continues intermittently pressing light kisses to Tech Boy's face, still holding onto him. ]
I can understand your burden. Not the full extent of what it must be like, feeling the weight of that from all of humanity, but...
One wrong answer, one wrong emotion. That's all it takes. [ The baseline tests. Tech Boy isn't alone in being held to inhumanly high, unforgiving standards. ] If I'm found to be defective by those who own me, that's it for me. I'm sorry you have to carry an even heavier burden.
[ It's a bitter irony that the very humans who enslave K and his kind are also Tech Boy's worshipers as a direct result of it. Would even K's own retirement benefit Tech Boy in a divine capacity? At least it wouldn't be a complete waste then. ]
[ Tech Boy moves his hands to the back of K's neck, still clinging, partially out of emotion and partially so he doesn't lose his balance. The digital glow in his eyes is back as he meets K's eyes, expression serious. ]
If anyone calls you defective, I will fucking kill them. [ That may be true in K's homeworld, but the god's not going to let that bullshit fly anymore. No as long as he can help it. ] No one gets to take your life like that. To take you away from me.
[ The comments about the god's heavy burden go unremarked upon for the moment, overwritten by his anger at the humans who might retire K because he's slowly evolving beyond his original programming. A beautiful, complex man beyond what the Technical Boy could have hoped for in his own lifetime.
He kisses K again, fiercely protective and fired up with so many strong emotions of the last few minutes. ]
[ Always that lingering undercurrent of uncertainty about the future. Their future, the only one that really matters to K. As much as he tries to deny it to himself, he knows his developing emotions and his tenuous but growing sense of personhood can probably only lead to one outcome, as far as his baseline tests are concerned. And if he refuses to submit to them, that's as good as signing his death warrant.
Fear lends a desperate edge to their kiss, and that in itself is a revelation — he's never feared for his own life before. Dying either in the line of duty or by his handler's order was something he used to accept as an inevitability, as he was programmed to. But not now. And he's reminded of their tense conversation all those months ago, about the possibility of Tech Boy altering his programming for him... ]
I don't want to go back. Not alone. [ He murmurs as he leans their foreheads together, reaching up with one hand but hesitating. He's gotten used to being able to play with Tech Boy's hair in those instances where it's loose, but he's careful not to muss it otherwise. His hand comes to rest on Tech Boy's neck instead, mirroring his own gesture. ] I want to be wherever you are. And help you. However I can... to make that burden more bearable.
[ Hard to say whether his homeworld would necessarily be ideal for Tech Boy, either, but if they don't have a choice? K can accept anywhere, as long as they're still together. Tech Boy had once said his own world rejected him. And if that means what K assumes it does: ] To keep you alive, too.
[ Protection and desperation and love and fear and affection and every other strong emotion poured into the kiss leaves the Technical Boy a bit breathless when they separate so K can speak. Tech Boy can hear K's mind at work, but he doesn't read more into it than that for the moment. Although the particulars stay with K for now, his words reinforce the surface thoughts and the edge present in their kiss.
They're both in precarious positions in their respective homeworlds, but. But if they can find a way to stay together.... Would that be too much to ask from such a cruel dream world? To wake from a nightmare and find their physical selves still together? (More likely than you'd think!) ]
You make everything more bearable. This place [ indicating Deerington ] and this place. [ He draws one hand back for a moment to use a finger to tap himself on the forehead. ]
I got so used to being alone, but I never want to go back to that. [ He smiles softly. ] I know you'll protect me. And I'll do the same for you. You have a god's blessing.
[ Tech Boy threads his fingers behind K's neck again, leaning back a little to look at him, that same rare soft smile on his lips. Without forming the conscious word for it, "mine" is the impression. And "yours." ]
[ Maybe it will even be enough... Protecting each other, his efforts to make things more bearable for Tech Boy. Time would tell. He returns the smile, stroking his fingers against the back of Tech Boy's neck. ]
You won't have to be alone anymore. [ The words are murmured against his throat as K bows his head, and followed by light kisses trailed along his skin. ] A god's blessing. What does that mean?
[ And he's still curious about his prior question, but one thing at a time. ]
My blessing. [ Tech Boy's eyes go a little wide, glinting with a very dangerous sort of mischief. ] It means I'll fuck 'em up. Whoever they are. Whatever they've done. For you.
[ He shifts a little, still holding onto K protectively. For as soft as Tech Boy can be on occasion, his excitement is volatile. The urge to do something to remedy their current situations and that of their homeworlds is at the front of his mind. Not that there's shit he can do about any of it from the dream world of Deerington. ]
I don't have the juice here. Yet. I'll get it back somehow. But it's a promise you can count on.
[ Any actual acknowledgement of his limitations (rare, but for K's eyes only) always takes a bit of the fire out of him, and the god's temperament is visibly calming down. He unthreads his fingers to place one hand on K's chest. ]
[ The words kindle a familiar warmth in K's chest that he can now put a name to, and he ducks his head even further, an almost shy gesture, still smiling to himself. He'll never forget the way Tech Boy makes him feel in moments like this — protected and cared for, and as though his life has meaning. Loved, more than anything. ]
Not that I don't appreciate it... [ He reaches down and covers the hand laid against his chest. ] But I need you to be safe. No taking foolish risks on my behalf. [ A pointed pause. ] No taking foolish risks. [ Full-stop. Even though he knows it's inevitable, in this place; he still wants Tech Boy to at least try and be careful. ] I don't want a repeat of Rapture, we can figure things out together now. Can't we?
[ And he does miss Sweeney's friendship, but can't help thinking it's better for Tech Boy, not having someone always goading him toward destructive behaviour like that. (Though a part of K had always held out hope the two might learn to work together.) ]
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brandnewtech) wrote2019-09-29 05:00 am
no subject
[ In his surprise K misses the perfect opportunity to exaggerate that into innuendo. And maybe it isn't the time for it, he thinks afterward, as he slips his arms fully around Tech Boy's waist, sensing his mood and wondering at it. Could be that this algorithm is even more important to him than he'd let on? It's something.
His thought to lift Tech Boy and carry him to the couch — or maybe his bedroom — is telegraphed in the way his arms briefly tighten, but he holds off acting on it. It runs the risk of ruining this moment with embarrassment, which he'd rather not. And he doesn't mind staying exactly as they are. ]
Is that all you need? [ He asks while leaning his cheek against Tech Boy's hair, taking some care to not muss it this time. He isn't referring to the length of time. If Tech Boy decides he just wants to be held for a while, K's only too happy to oblige; if he had his way, he'd get to do it a lot more often. ]
no subject
[ The composition algorithm is extremely important to the god, and that's definitely more than he'd let on. Although the god had been around in one form or another for years, the music he's about to show K is equivalent to his birth. His innermost song. And he's sharing it with K with intention, just like worship.
No embarrassment in the desire for desire, but this is a different sort of intimacy--one he doesn't share with anyone--and he wants it to last. He drags his fingernails lightly over K's skin again, and that's his answer. There will be time for the bedroom later, but first, this. ]
For now. Yes.
[ After a long moment, with reluctance, he pulls away and smiles. ] Let's make beautiful music together.
no subject
Nodding, K lets go of him to take his hands instead, pulling him toward the piano with a curious look. ]
no subject
But he trusts K. And so he lets himself be led to the piano, stopping briefly to retrieve the tablet he'd so carelessly tossed aside. There's a program on here he needs. One that somehow carried over into this dreamworld without being corrupted or altered. Small favors.
Sitting on the piano bench, he turns his attention away from K to pull up a saved file on in simple composition software... and a metronome app, which he sets in motion first. He stares at it for a handful of seconds, listening wordlessly to the ticking. ]
You ever see that thing that humans do where they show baby pictures of their kids to strangers? It's fucking weird.
[ He hands the tablet to K, pointing out the notated score written in the program. ] But that's it. Right there. My most recent hardware upgrade. 1987. Baby pictures.
[ He turns and readies himself so he can rest his hands on the piano keys. After a moment, he steals a quick kiss. ] Can't waste any time or I'll chicken out. Hit "start" when you're ready.
no subject
He spends a few moments studying the digital sheet music with interest, trying to imagine how it sounds. 1987. Baby pictures. There's a joke to be made about how baby-faced he still looks despite his "age", but for now K is opting to treat this experience with the gravity he feels it warrants. He'll be an attentive audience or a supportive partner, or both, depending on what will be asked of him here.
The kiss surprises a smile from him and he regards Tech Boy with a soft, unguarded look for the span of several ticks of the metronome, before starting the program. This is it. ]
no subject
But he can feel K's touch on his waist. He knows that K is sitting next to him and won't abandon him like the person who originally wrote this program.
The program on the tablet plays Bach. Tech Boy plays along, smoothly and elegantly. One song transitions into another, and the god closes his eyes, following the song and adding the occasional little embellishments of his own. This happens a few more times. A calibration. Syncing the music to the deity. It's foundational. Creation music.
The song ends, and there's a pause for a few seconds. The metronome ticks. Tech Boy shift a little to feel more of K's arm where it rests against him, eyes still closed. He takes a breath... and another song begins. Tech Boy almost seems to blur a little at the edges as he plays along with the first few notes. The piano almost seems to pick up the digital sound from the program, and it doesn't take long for it to become impossible to tell what notes are played by the piano and which are from the tablet. It blends, because Tech Boy is manipulating the composition program as he plays the traditional instrument alongside it.
He's completely absorbed while the song plays, his body taking on a bit of a shimmer. But it fades as the song ends, the metronome clicks off, and Tech Boy allows his hands to slide from the piano keys to rest in his lap. He doesn't move for a moment. ]
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Something is happening.
Not only is this a composition he's never heard before, but it seems to be affecting Tech Boy's physical form. It takes effort to suppress how startled he is that first time Tech Boy blurs (something which he can also, oddly enough, feel), but soon he's caught up in the song himself; it sounds remarkably like Bach, but ... more, somehow. Perhaps made better by the lack of direct human involvement, perfected in the way only a machine could. Though he might be biased.
K hasn't moved since starting the program and remains still even once it's concluded. At length he looks up from Tech Boy's hands to his face, studying him, before speaking quietly. ]
Maybe you do have a name.
[ And it's a song. ]
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He gently rests one hand on K's leg, holding onto him with an unusually soft touch, and rests this way for a handful of seconds more. Eventually, he looks to meet K's gaze. Tech Boy's eyes faintly glow an antique green from somewhere inside. ]
I have an origin. JS Bach. A program. A file name. The devotion of the young man who write it. Creation. Theogenesis.
[ He smiles faintly, and the expression is almost shy. Or maybe it's humility. A different sort of vulnerability that has him buzzing like a charged wire. ]
And you're the only person who's heard it in nearly 30 years. Seems like a lifetime ago.
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Returning the faint smile with an encouraging one of his own, he tries again. ]
Thank you. [ Setting the tablet aside, he reaches to cover Tech Boy's hand with his. ] It's beautiful. [ There's a delicate sense of deference, the way he engages their connection and maintains the contact without words, the mental equivalent of taking Tech Boy's hand.
Then he closes the small distance between them and brushes a kiss to the corner of Tech Boy's mouth, warm and lingering.
As are you. ]
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Although the shimmer effect of the music has faded, he becomes a bit more solid under K's touch. More real, more human(?) and less ethereal. The glow in his eyes dim, replaced by a expression akin to longing. He turns his hand to thread his fingers loosely between K's, caressing them softly for a long moment before withdrawing his hand with some obvious reluctance. But he needs it elsewhere.
He turns into the lingering kiss, giving K his full attention now. Placing his fingers gently on the curve of K's jaw, Tech Boy kisses him slowly. Softly at first, taking his time to really feel and enjoy the sensation of their mouths pressed together. He inhales slowly, eyes closing to slits, not wanting to let K out of his sight but still too overcome and content to keep them open.
And as are you. ]
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I mean it sincerely.
Just in case there was any truth behind Tech Boy's teasing. Eventually K draws back enough to speak aloud, while carefully working his unoccupied hand past the layers of Tech Boy's shirts to press warm against his chest, skin to skin. ]
What is it like? Being... reborn? [ For lack of a better term. "Upgraded" doesn't sound quite right, even though it's the term Tech Boy himself has used when speaking about his evolution. It just doesn't adequately encompass how remarkable all of this feels to K.
To be born is to have a soul... ]
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Souls don't work the same way with gods, but he knows the "rebirth" feeling that comes with the upgrade. His brow furrows in thought. He's never had to put words to it before, never been asked to explain it. Media only knew because she'd done the same. But even among the New Gods, this sort of thing is rare. Usually, gods just die when they outlive their usefulness.
Or get forcefully retired. Whatever. ]
It's hard to explain. I want to tell you, but I don't really know how. [ Tech Boy is frowning in thought now, but he steals another kiss as he contemplates the words. ] It's like. Legos. Little building blocks that used to be configured in one way but now they look like another. Ones and zeroes falling into new patterns that no one's ever thought of before but they're, like, my ones and zeroes. It shatters in the process, but it all comes back together.
[ He stammers a little, because it's not that simple, and he doesn't know if that makes any sense anyway. ] S-sure there's new code in there. What good is an upgrade if you're not changing something for the better?
[ Tech Boy's memory is long, so he does remember changing throughout the years. It definitely got more painful every time. Broken into smaller bits. Into bits. Ones and zeroes. Does K want to hear about how much it hurts? It's better to talk about how beautiful the reconstruction is. ]
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And if Tech Boy has ever wondered why K tends to prefer romanticism and still hopes for a future together, despite the odds being very much against them, that would be why. Because it's nearly the only thing that makes what awaits him in his homeworld worth enduring. ]
There's new code, but you're still you. I think I understand. But why the disdain for who you used to be? [ Because he remembers how embarrassed Tech Boy had seemed when explaining his previous incarnation as the Telephone Boy. Not to mention: ] And the disdain for older things in general, like jazz music? [ Though his tone is a little teasing there, he is curious. ] But not classical music, despite it being even older.
One day maybe I'll be old technology, if I can survive that long. I hope you won't trade me in for an upgraded model because you're embarrassed of me. [ The sentiment is punctuated with a kiss as he strokes what he can reach of Tech Boy's skin, and he clearly isn't entirely serious, but he also isn't entirely joking, either.
Little does he know (yet), the Nexus line is very unlikely to ever progress beyond his model. ]
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[ The question about music causes him to incline his head slightly away from K and back to the piano keys. He reaches out to pick out a few notes on the instrument. ] This iteration was built from classical music. I have no choice. Run it through audio editing software--[ He taps his finger on the tablet to illustrate his point, and it gives a notification beep in response to his attention. ]--and it brings the music to my level. Makes it New. [ pronounced with an audible capital letter. ]
Jazz can be New if it wants to. It just doesn't. [ Not the best follow up, but it's all he has for the moment. ] And if jazz doesn't want me, I don't want it either. [ But he considers, putting visible thought into it. ] There are, of course, exceptions. For the right reasons.
[ He turns his full attention back to K, taking his face lightly with both hands. ] You will never be old tech to me. There is no other model for me other than you. No other person for me other than you.
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But he can understand to some extent. Tech Boy must be bound to his preferences just as much as K is bound to his programming. It's who he is, as he said. Intrinsically.
And that's why, despite the reassurance, K's frowning to himself as he withdraws his hands and clasps them together in his lap, staring down at them. The reassurance seems to contradict everything else Tech Boy explained. ]
How do you know you won't feel differently once you've experienced technology more advanced than me? [ Because surprise, he still struggles to even think of himself as a person. He's just gotten better at not talking about it. ] Once I'm not New.
If I were anything other than what I am, would you have even given me the time of day back in the ship's hospital? ...Would any of this have happened?
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Tech Boy's relationship with music is a lot more complicated than he's letting on. Something something he needs the intelligent design present in a human or a complex AI to give it power and meaning because if a computer program writes it he may as well just do it himself and where's the fun in that something something, etc. But he can't read K's mind, and the spoken fear takes priority.
Concern overwrites any other emotion on his face. Hesitantly, he reaches out to place on hand over K's.
He opens his mouth to speak, closes it, frowns, then tries again. ]
It's not like that. You asked why I hate myself. Or the old versions of myself anyway. The--[ searching for the word ]--burden that humanity puts on me as a god is not something I'll ever demand from you. Fuck, I wouldn't even wish it on my enemies. If I fall behind, I'm toast. If I'm out-of-date and obsolete, I'm as good as dead. Or worse. Might as well play my fucking funeral song instead of my creation song.
[ He ducks his head to try and find eye contact with K. ] I don't feel the way I do about you because you're New. I fell in love with you because you're you. Would I have given you the time of day a hundred tears ago in the hospital of the Titanic were you not what you are? You're handsome, no doubt, but probably not. Sure, tech was the hook. But I stuck around because of who you are, not what you are. You will always be shiny and new to me. There's no replacing you. You're not an iPhone, no matter what those assholes back in your home world kept trying to tell you. Not to me.
[ He bends to kiss K's folded hands. Is he fucking this up? He really doesn't want to fuck this up. ]
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But probably not. Tech was the hook.
He'll never fault the god for honesty because he values it so highly, and he did ask. But he also can't deny the sting caused by the words, that reinforces what he already knew: good things don't happen without some pain being involved. Though he wishes it could be otherwise, sometimes. Especially right now.
Well. Being told it's only the fact he's an android that there was any initial interest isn't the worst thing, despite his conflicted feelings about it. In fact, it might be the only time being an android has led to anything good, for him. Maybe he's framing this the wrong way. Again. But he's smiling as he watches Tech Boy lean down to kiss his hands, and reaches to lightly touch his face afterward, cupping his jaw. Whenever K withdraws, it's never meant to shut Tech Boy out. ]
I also asked why you disdain older things in general. [ It's only pointed out because that's where a lot of his worries stemmed from. ] But I'm glad it isn't like that between us... except maybe when it comes to my music preferences. [ It's an attempt at levity, then something a little more serious as he still wonders about the role of software in all of this. ] And my playing?
[ A long pause follows while he searches Tech Boy's face. Is that what this is? he wants to ask, but even as the thought forms in his mind, he already knows the answer with a level of certainty he doesn't often experience when it comes to emotions. This isn't a new development, only the words are. Words that he finds himself returning without hesitation. ]
I love you for the very same reason.
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Besides. Something very significant had just happened. Something he hadn't consciously intended, but he'd finally spoken the word that had been on his mind for some time now. He doesn't regret saying it. Not in the slightest. It's the truth. More true than if he'd taken the time to overthink it. More than simply fondness or physical attraction or curiosity or protection or companionship. Love/. It's all those other things too. But one word carries a lot of power.
And K had said it back.
Tech Boy lets out a slow breath. Anything else he'd been about to say is pushed aside for the moment. He needs to be kissing K, his love, right now. The rest of it will have to wait for a few minutes. He'll respond to K's question about his playing, mentally indicating his receipt of the question so K knows he won't forget, but first. This.
Practically hopping into K's lap to straddle him, holding onto his strong shoulders for physical and mental balance, it is Tech Boy's intention to kiss K thoroughly, deeply, definitively. ]
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That he isn't going to become disposable to Tech Boy wasn't his only takeaway from what was shared. And he isn't in a rush to end the kiss, but he does have more he wants to say. While he's speaking, he continues intermittently pressing light kisses to Tech Boy's face, still holding onto him. ]
I can understand your burden. Not the full extent of what it must be like, feeling the weight of that from all of humanity, but...
One wrong answer, one wrong emotion. That's all it takes. [ The baseline tests. Tech Boy isn't alone in being held to inhumanly high, unforgiving standards. ] If I'm found to be defective by those who own me, that's it for me. I'm sorry you have to carry an even heavier burden.
[ It's a bitter irony that the very humans who enslave K and his kind are also Tech Boy's worshipers as a direct result of it. Would even K's own retirement benefit Tech Boy in a divine capacity? At least it wouldn't be a complete waste then. ]
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If anyone calls you defective, I will fucking kill them. [ That may be true in K's homeworld, but the god's not going to let that bullshit fly anymore. No as long as he can help it. ] No one gets to take your life like that. To take you away from me.
[ The comments about the god's heavy burden go unremarked upon for the moment, overwritten by his anger at the humans who might retire K because he's slowly evolving beyond his original programming. A beautiful, complex man beyond what the Technical Boy could have hoped for in his own lifetime.
He kisses K again, fiercely protective and fired up with so many strong emotions of the last few minutes. ]
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Fear lends a desperate edge to their kiss, and that in itself is a revelation — he's never feared for his own life before. Dying either in the line of duty or by his handler's order was something he used to accept as an inevitability, as he was programmed to. But not now. And he's reminded of their tense conversation all those months ago, about the possibility of Tech Boy altering his programming for him... ]
I don't want to go back. Not alone. [ He murmurs as he leans their foreheads together, reaching up with one hand but hesitating. He's gotten used to being able to play with Tech Boy's hair in those instances where it's loose, but he's careful not to muss it otherwise. His hand comes to rest on Tech Boy's neck instead, mirroring his own gesture. ] I want to be wherever you are. And help you. However I can... to make that burden more bearable.
[ Hard to say whether his homeworld would necessarily be ideal for Tech Boy, either, but if they don't have a choice? K can accept anywhere, as long as they're still together. Tech Boy had once said his own world rejected him. And if that means what K assumes it does: ] To keep you alive, too.
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They're both in precarious positions in their respective homeworlds, but. But if they can find a way to stay together.... Would that be too much to ask from such a cruel dream world? To wake from a nightmare and find their physical selves still together? (More likely than you'd think!) ]
You make everything more bearable. This place [ indicating Deerington ] and this place. [ He draws one hand back for a moment to use a finger to tap himself on the forehead. ]
I got so used to being alone, but I never want to go back to that. [ He smiles softly. ] I know you'll protect me. And I'll do the same for you. You have a god's blessing.
[ Tech Boy threads his fingers behind K's neck again, leaning back a little to look at him, that same rare soft smile on his lips. Without forming the conscious word for it, "mine" is the impression. And "yours." ]
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You won't have to be alone anymore. [ The words are murmured against his throat as K bows his head, and followed by light kisses trailed along his skin. ] A god's blessing. What does that mean?
[ And he's still curious about his prior question, but one thing at a time. ]
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[ He shifts a little, still holding onto K protectively. For as soft as Tech Boy can be on occasion, his excitement is volatile. The urge to do something to remedy their current situations and that of their homeworlds is at the front of his mind. Not that there's shit he can do about any of it from the dream world of Deerington. ]
I don't have the juice here. Yet. I'll get it back somehow. But it's a promise you can count on.
[ Any actual acknowledgement of his limitations (rare, but for K's eyes only) always takes a bit of the fire out of him, and the god's temperament is visibly calming down. He unthreads his fingers to place one hand on K's chest. ]
You're a blessing yourself, you know.
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Not that I don't appreciate it... [ He reaches down and covers the hand laid against his chest. ] But I need you to be safe. No taking foolish risks on my behalf. [ A pointed pause. ] No taking foolish risks. [ Full-stop. Even though he knows it's inevitable, in this place; he still wants Tech Boy to at least try and be careful. ] I don't want a repeat of Rapture, we can figure things out together now. Can't we?
[ And he does miss Sweeney's friendship, but can't help thinking it's better for Tech Boy, not having someone always goading him toward destructive behaviour like that. (Though a part of K had always held out hope the two might learn to work together.) ]
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